One fat kid's persecution was average to low, until one day a weak-minded teacher tried to make us feel sympathy. In a catastrophically stupid attempt to get us to like the big lizard, we were told that the fat kid could not wear boy's trousers, but had to have old man's trousers cut off just below the knee. The result was, spectacularly enough, a barrage of abuse that resulted in a watershed moment of growing up, the first time I heard a contemporary say "cunt", as in "Ha ha, you wear old man's trousers you fat stinking cunt." Marvellous.

I was caught writing on a desk. I was trying to write "SEX ORGY", but sensing trouble I scratched out "SEX" and left "ORG" unfinished. At the end of the class the teacher approached my desk and read "ORG" and then asked if I was trying to write "ORC", assuming I was a Dungeons and Dragons type. Loathe to get caught out for writing a dirty word, I confessed to be being a D&D fan. I then had to sandpaper all the desks in the class. One of the lowest moments in my life.

That's exactly what Jon Dale used to do with Elven Cheerleaders. He'd paint tiny labia on their leotards to make it look like they were wearing crotchless panties. Christ. I mean, hats off to his artistic talent, but the more I think about it the more amazed I am I've not seen him feature on Crimewatch.

Maths teacher Mr Worth (nicknamed 'The Goat' as a result of his ridiculous 'beard but no moustache' facial hair) once enjoyed giving the class a severe bollocking so much that he appeared to develop a *very small* erection. This inevitably led us to the conclusion that The Goat's Plod was a gigantic worm like creature that would chase fourth formers around the quad. Fortunately the Plod could only move at a slow speed so if you stayed on your guard it was usually possible to avoid it until some other poor fellow became the object of its attentions. And how do you notify one of your peers that the Plod has set its sights on them? With this simple exchange: "It's after you." "What is?" "The Goat's Plod." The colour naturally drains from the victim's face, and they immediately become hyper-sensitive to peripheral noise and motion. And who could blame them -- not many boys would enjoy being buggered by a maths teacher's gigantic rogue penis.

Ever so slightly less sophisticated adaptation of the Rainbow theme song:
Up above the streets and houses
Geoffrey flying high.
Opens up his hairy legs
And shits in Bungle's eye.
Also see:
Up above the streets and houses
Geoffrey flying high.
Bungle gets his big cock out
And pokes him in the eye.
Note: This is NOT a cue for an endless torrent of Rainbow theme versions - unless you know a really good one about Rod, Jane and Freddy rainbow kissing. - Ponky

Are you dumb or wise?
Wise.

I'm Morecambe! (slap victim's cheeks a la Eric Morecambe)
Are you weak or strong?
Strong.
I thought that strong smell was coming from you.
Ironically, this joke is fucking weak.
What's the worst thing you can buy from a second-hand shop?
What?
Second-hand bog paper. Do you get it?
Yes...
You get second-hand bog paper!
(See also The Gayly Mail, and Wanker's Cramp)
Are you a gay or a farmer?
A farmer.
Here's two acres for you... (punch victim in the balls)
(Probably rural, this one, as it implies that all non-farmers are gay, and that there is no horrific stigma attached to saying "I'm a farmer", which is stretching the imagination a little far...)

If you can't be arsed to even stand and blow a whistle every now and then, why not assign the two most annoying and unpopular kids to referee a basketball match? It'll give them a little taste of power, bless, and will result in them getting pulped in the changing rooms by the losing team.
One team wins, one team gets to hit someone, and one bullied boy gets the whiff of authority that will drive him in adult life to start a corporation that menaces old ladies out of their homes so he can build a car park. Until that old woman works out how to reach the A-Team, at which point he'll cop a cabbage in the chops.
Everyone's a winner!

Should the present Monarch pass away, this song will not be rendered obsolete. Simply switch your allegiance to the new head of state by changing the last two lines to:

"Fucking and cunt, Fucking and cunt, Fucking and Cunt-er-ee!"
And thus a new generation gets to savour the taste of illicit playground swears.

The standard response to a teacher's question 'what did I just say?'

Another classic Robocop quote - I'd buy that for a dollar.
To be used near a woman with exceptionally large breasts, preferably someone's mum.