Exclamation of incredulity. "Tommy Cooper's dead!" - "FUCK a DUCK!" A bowdlerized version spawned the fairground "Hook A Duck" stalls, in which you win a goldfish with athlete's foot coming out of its arse.

Strangely uninsulting insult for boys with big heads. Almost Shakespearean.

Outrageous claim from Paul Walker that the loose cannon Geordie cop played by Jimmy Nail was, in fact, his dad. However, rather than an attempt to command awe and authority, it was simply an excuse to say 'how bastard!' and headbutt someone.
Based on the mispresumption that headbutting people is genetic, and not just a symptom of living in Newcastle.

Ahem...

Argon Selenium = ArSe
Barium Rutherfordium = BaRf
Bismuth Scandium Uranium Iodine Terbium Arsenic Hydrogen Erbium = BiScUITbAsHEr
Boron Oxygen Nitrogen Erbium = BONEr
Boron Oxygen Oxygen Boron Sulphur = BOOBS
Boron Uranium Mercury Germanium Radium = BUHgGeRa
Calcium Nitrogen Sodium bismuth Sulphur = CaNNaBiS
Cobalt Carbon Potassium = CoCK
Cobalt Carbon Potassium Lutetium Vanadium Erbium = CoCKLuVEr
Cobalt Carbon Potassium Sulphur Uranium Carbon Potassium Erbium = CoCKSUCKEr
Copper Nitrogen Titanium = CuNTi
Fluorine Argon Titanium = FArTi
Fluorine Oxygen Radon Iodine Calcium Tellurium = FORnICaTe
Fluorine Uranium Carbon Potassium Erbium = FUCKEr
Gallium Sulphur Hydrogen = GaSH
Gallium Sulphur sulphur Yttrium = GaSSY
Holmium Molybdenum = HoMo
Holmium Thulium Oxygen Thorium Erbium = HoTmOThEr
Lanthanium Bismuth Arsenic = LaBiAs
Molybdenum Uranium Selenium Cobalt Carbon Potassium = MoUSeCoCK
Molybdenum Thorium Erbium Fluorine Uranium Carbon Potassium Erbium = MoThErFUCKEr
Oxygen Ruthenium Fluorine Iodine Cerium = ORuFICe
Oxygen Vanadium Argon Iodine Einsteinium = OVArIEs
Phosphorus Iodine Nitrogen Potassium Sulphur Gold Sulphur Silver Einsteinium = PINK SAuSAgEs
Phosphorus Iodine Sulphur Sulphur = PISS
Plutonium Beryllium Tellurium Arsenic Erbium = PuBeTeAsEr
Polonium Oxygen Fluorine = PoOF
Polonium Radon Oxygen = PoRnO
Praseodymium Iodine Carbon Potassium = PrICK
Plutonium Sodium Nickel = PuNaNi
Plutonium Sodium Nickel Lithium Carbon Potassium Erbium = PuNaNiLiCKEr
Scandium Tungsten Iodine Nitrogen Germanium = ScWINGe
Sulphur Hydrogen Iodine Tellurium = SHITe
Sulphur Hydrogen Iodine Tellurium Yttrium Cobalt Carbon Potassium = SHITeY CoCK
Sulphur Iodine Carbon Potassium = SICK
Sulphur Phosphorus Uranium Nitrogen Potassium = SPUNK
Titanium Titanium Einsteinium = TiTiEs
Vanadium Silver Iodine Sodium = VAgINa
Tungsten Sodium Potassium Erbium = WNaKEr
Yttrium Oxygen Uranium Rhenium Gallium Yttrium = YOURe GaY
Useful prefixes:
Carbon Helium Einsteinium Yttrium = CHeEsY
Sulphur Titanium Nitrogen Potassium Yttrium = STiNKY

(Editor's Note : Anna Williams either suffers from autism and Tourettes, or has looked this up on the "internet". In any event, thank you Anna.)

(Anna replies : Sadly, neither is true, Editor. I spent far too much time finding out which rude words are possible with the periodic table and which aren't. I'm still rather disgruntled that one cannot fashion 'your dad blows goats' with the abbreviations.)

Paul Bradfield was a Patrick Sears (see Patrick Sears). His life was a non stop carnival of misery and pain, and many long hours were spent chained to railings and crying. (The railing he was chained to was directly outside the staffroom window, and yet, no-one came...). Anyway - the highlight of Paul's career was the day the rumour began that he'd been shagging his cat. The magic of rumours like this is that they don't have to be true - his reaction made us want to believe it. The plush pussies followed. The stickers. The chalk pictures on every blackboard in the school. Every year, every pupil knew that Paul Bradfield shagged his cat. Eventually his parents complained, but you can't exactly punish an entire school, can you?

My brother and I were bought a ZX80, ZX81, A ZX spectrum and a C64. He is now an enormously well paid computer programmer, whereas the best I can do is submit my pointless meanderings to Playground Law and lament the pathetic excuse that is my so-called career.

You have the valid excuse of being deprived. I simply couldn't be fucked.

During Commandos, the computer game,the soldiers will say schnell, but also something that sounds like 'Uncle Lester'. This has been part of my German vocabulary for years now, although no-one knows what it means. PS - please help

It's 2011, now. Surely someone can be arsed to download an emulator, play this game, then report back? I know I can't.

Another way of avoiding swimming for girls was to say you had your period. When you did so the teacher would put a 'P' by your name. Presumably to keep track of the amount of girls having four periods a month to avoid going into the foul outdoor pool, which was full of dead bees and piss.

Once, we were in the changing room after a games lesson . For some bizarre reason, Steven Maule had taken off his kegs and left them on the floor. Upon further inspection, we noticed they were covered in skid marks. When challenged about this, young Mauley offered the following by way of explanation: "It's not my fault, my brother had them on yesterday".

We've all heard reports of the games exam invigilators play. Paper chicken, for example, where they anticipate which child will want paper next, and try to give it to them just before they put their hands up. If you see an invigilator standing behind the ugliest, most furiously-writingest child, this is what he is doing.
My father taught at the same school I attended, and a few months ago he told me that he had stood next to the most unpleasant kid in the year, and silently waved an eggy banner. I had never before felt so much love for my father as right then.