Rather poetically, I made a glove puppet out of a heart. I did this by slicing through the base and sliding my fingers into the four arteries. Behold, my meaty chum could quip, cavort and mischievously squirt blood into Matthew Corbett's eye. Cheeky old "Harty"!

A geography teacher at our school, known universally as Fig, was famous for making up the most extraordinary lies, known understandably as 'Figgy Bullshits'. The best Figgy Bullshit ever told involved an epic holiday to the Canadian Rockies, a story which he really did tell to our class. Fig flew from London to Los Angeles and motorbiked up to Canada. The particular bike he took was a fold-up motorbike which folded up so small that it fitted into a suitcase which he kept on his lap as hand luggage during the flight. It was so lightweight that when two trucks overtook him on the freeway, the bike took off in the slipstream and he actually started flying. When he got to Canada, he built a log cabin by himself with his own hands, and then wrestled a grizzly bear that tried to attack him. He also shot an elk.

Clearly just Technical Drawing rebranded with a pretentious London-artwank-college name.

A: "What's the most disgusting thing in the world?"
B: "Dunno."
A: "Second hand toilet paper! Do you get it?"
B: "Ha ha! Yes!"
A: "What, you get second hand toilet paper? Is your family so poor you have to use other people's used toilet paper?"
etc.

Obviously, if a teacher leaves a blackboard unattended with chalk nearby, they must want you to use them. Writing "Gary is Gay" was par for the course, but the truly creative would look out for unattended boards with teachers' content on, and make subtle alterations. This had the bonus of not always requiring chalk, as a well-executed rubbing out of a letter or part of a letter could be just as effective, eg removing the 'o' from 'count', or, even better, removing the 'c' and rubbing out the rightmost quarter of the 'o'. Statistical charts are ideal for adding mountaineers or tightrope walkers. Our pinnacle was infiltrating our form room and spending lunch drawing a huge chalk Jesus, copied from John Bolton's 'Prester John' artwork in Warrior. It was the best drwaing ever drawn in that school, and the teacher let it stay up for a week (there were two boards), although he never mentioned it once.

On an exchange visit to the French school our penpals went to, several of us were ushered into an English lesson. The teacher asked us our names, and one by one, we all answered "Eddie Skez" the strange thing was, this was not prearranged, and (obviously) there was no-one called Eddie Skez.

Xandara was a six foot tall vampire woman who had developed the desire to have sex with me and my friend at primary school. We waited a week for this grisly and exciting act, when my mate found some letters on the road from his grandparents. Scrawled in big letters on paper covered in claw-like tears and blood stains, the letters told us that Xandara had been captured by Satan, and that we had to go immediately to Hell and rescue her. That lunch-break we lay down on the school field arms outstretched as if on a cross and fingers touching each others, in an attempt to contact Xandara. Our explanation to the slowly assembling crowd that we were meditating was perhaps too successful - as the crowd joined us, and formed a circle. Even with this added power, Xandara was not raised. What were we doing wrong? We soon forgot about rescuing Xandara until my friend's keyboard broke (a real shame, as it had a cool chinese song among its demos) and we thought the strange noises it was making were Xandara talking to us directly from Hell.

I think this is American - I've never heard it said in an English accent. It's best said in a really angry american comic who smoke's voice. However, the Rocky Shore Pervert does give a perfect

The lyrics from Inner City's hit single "Big Fun" could be redirected towards a child as they sit on their own, to throw a spotlight onto how popular they aren't.

"We don't really need a crowd to have a party," you'd reassure them. "Just a funky beat and you to get it started."

The onus would then be on them to get the party started. You can encourage them with other lyrics, including "It won't take a lot of thought for you to do it" and "I think you're ready, Freddie".

A second option is to tell them "you're having big fun" until a bubble of stifled emotion plops out of their nose.

A combination of a squat thrust and a star jump that contains the word burp, which is a funny word because belching is funny.