...can I just add to this that Mr Sheldon was the uncle of Bob Sheldon (see: 'Bob baiting'). If you could provide some sort of link between these two entries, it will give readers a chance to reflect on the way in which being a bullying cunt can be genetically inherited.

No sooner said than done, Simon.

Also a bubble forming in a trough full of spunk, because ill-mannered children are blowing into it through straws.

Anyone remember "In The Night Kitchen" by Maurice Sendak? It uses drawings of a naked boy, and in one picture he's standing on a giant milk bottle shouting "Cock A Doodle Doo!" with his own doodle doo sticking out. Always made us hysterical.

A 48 hour D&D marathon would not have even charted on the radar of a real "cool gang", and they certainly wouldn't have bothered to get out of bed early to go and disturb it. They'd be too busy sleeping off hangovers or receiving blow jobs from their flesh and blood girlfriends.
Unless, of course, your "cool gang" consisted of a bunch of Robert Smith wannabes who took pleasure in mocking all who did not share their pretentious nihilism. In which case we - I mean you - were most assuredly not cool in the eyes of everyone else.

Glasweigan name for wet toilet roll, thrown onto the roof or wall to lend it a stipply 3D effect. Once dried, new layers can me applied. Soggy boggies are also effective as a non-lethal short-range weapon.

Whenever an aeroplane would fly over the school playground, all the kids would wave their hands frantically in the vain hope that the pilots would mistake us for stranded civilians and land to save us. Surprisingly, they never did.

At my school, there was a strict - yet crude - system of classification according to how you wore your school tie. A 'Slim Jim' was worn by cool kids. A 'Fat Twat' was sported by the geeky, swotty kids. I remember wearing both styles in a crude bi-polar expression of my personality.

The Willy Worms were football playing penises with faces. They were born in an art lesson when we were instructed to draw a picture of a disaster. Stephen Lodziak opted for a pen and ink rendering of 50,000 people trying to get into the 9,000 capacity Abbey Stadium for a Queen concert and being crushed to death, Hillsborough-style. Despite this, the disaster was that a boy in the foreground, arriving late for the gig, had fallen off his bike and grazed his knee slightly. While Stephen was in the toilet the rest of us added an impromptu rendering of The Willy Worms having a kickaround to the exisiting masterpiece. When our exceptionally camp teacher Mr Salisbury came over to assess our work, he looked at Stephen's picture, put a comforting arm around his shoulder and with a weak smile said "Are you feeling better now?"

A man who forged the sound of weak, piss driven soul music to new low. So to warrant him the credit he deserved, we named the Wimpy classic dish - Brown Derby - after him. The Brown Derby was basically a picasso dog shit, it had a doughnut made from Nutty Slack, it was covered in white hormonal cream and the topping of chipped lego was divine. Wimpy's also make a "double bender" burger. They're asking for it, really.

Ben Watt quickly learned to write his name with the smallest possible space between the words, to prevent a couple of 'T's being squeezed in there.