Oh yeah, and, you can remember the strings on a guitar from Every Addict Druggie Gets Busted Eventually. Gareth Bevan swore by Fat Bastard Elephants Always Drink Guinness for the order of flat keys, but then, he was a bit odd.

The arena was constructed of fifteen or so chairs in a circle. A luckless "volunteer" (or sometimes a stupid hard kid who wanted to demonstrate the full extent of their stupidness and hardness) would place himself in the playzone. Their task was to get out of the circle while everyone sitting in the chairs would try to prevent them from escaping by kicking them. An interesting variant involved the use of a long line of tables as the arena, with the chairs placed in normal working positions (but on both sides of course) and the volunteer crawling around underneath. This had the advantage that if a dinner miss came along everyone could pretend that they were just sitting down while they continued to boot the volunteer into oblivion. Dr Marten boots were particularly popular amongst senseless hard kids at the time, owing to their durability, weight and ability to withstand repeated impacts with no ill effects, hence the name "doccer kill". (cf sea of legs)

Another noise you can make when somebody does something exceptionally stupid. For instance, after you fox a victim with the classic trick multiplication "What is one times one?", and they answer "two".

Our teacher once spent a whole morning on April Fool's Day teaching us about Scottish haggis. Haggis were small animals that lived in the Highlands and were caught, to be eaten, by men who had one leg shorter than the other - the difference making it easier for them to chase the haggises around hills (though only in one direction).
How the teacher must have laughed and revelled in her superior intelligence as a class full of half-listening six year-olds fell for her crafty gag. Stupid bitch.

There is a global game of cock smack going on right now, and if you have a cock, you're playing. To initiate a round of cock smack, you must first warn your target with the phrase "you know the rules - cover your jewels". For obvious reasons, the warning phrase is often shortened to "Yehnehtheruhcuhyuhjuz". Then, smack them in the cock.

Smacks range from the full cock-punch, to the more advanced and surprisingly debilitating bell flick.

At the age of 5, I was taken out of class and made to wait outside the headmistress's office. While I was there I was told that I had been seen looking into the girls' toilets.

I burst into tears as I stood on a white square on the chequered floor (something we had to do when we'd been naughty, perhaps to highlight our stained souls against the whiteness of tile). A teacher walked up and asked me why I was crying.

"Because I didn't do it!" I said.
"But if you didn't do it, why are you crying?" she replied, stonily.

It was at that moment I realised that the world was fundamentally unfair.

I saw a pleasant version of shit sticks at a bus stop in Burnage. A shit had either been lain, or moved, onto the bus stop seat, and a half-smoked cigarette had been stubbed slightly off-centre. Having a hangover, I burst out laughing the second I saw the 'piece'. No-one else at the bus stop seemed to get it, though.

A similarly ringed biro message on the wall in 3rd year history read 'I love Sweaty Piss Flaps'. Well, don't we all?

Our school band came *this* close to being called Bigfoot and the Groincrushers, but the powers that be made us choose something far wankier.

Anonymous User misses the fucking point by a mile. I despair, I really do. - Matt

Just lock the door from the inside, climb over the top of the stall and into the next lav. Repeat again and again until all toilets in the building are locked.