After stupidly letting on that, in fact, I, Paul, really did have birdshit on my finger, the games name was shouted by every person in earshot. An impromptu game of it! begins, and I had to wipe it on someone so as to a birdshit covered sympathiser, or, if lucky, change the name of the game to uh! [someone elses name] has got birdshit on their coat!
An unbelievably manly game devised by a group of friends during one of many uneventful PE lessons. It involved throwing a stone into the air and waiting, face up, for it to come back down. The aim was to "catch" it on your forehead.
Damien broke his tooth and started crying. The rubbish baby.
Finding a tampon (easier at a time when period party bags have been handed out), soak it thoroughly in red ink, and tie to the spoke of your victim's umbrella. When he opens it up, the tampon will swing and slap around, dripping its cargo on the child's clothes and head until he looks up and - hopefully - screams like a prize bitch.
If you have more time on your hands, put one on every spoke, like a grisly cork hat.
Any boy so fucking pompous as to own an umbrella deserves to briefly believe he has menses on his face.
Chorused, often in crescendo, at anyone breaking those petty primary school rules such as underlining the date but not the title. "Ummmmm, I'm telling of yooooou."
A household brand scribbled in the back of a Physics book which, upon inception, managed to throw my friend Danny into fits of tearful laughter for an hour. No-one else has ever laughed at it since.
Readers! Do you have a memory that only you find funny? Why not tell the world, so you can tell as many people who probably won't find it funny as you possibly can?
Slightly imaginative name for wedgies, or chadding. A cross between Uncle Fester and Vesta packet meals. Uncle Vesta went on to host a series of Gory Stories. We never wrote the Gory Stories, but we did enjoy saying "Uncle Vesta's Gory Stories" in low voices.
One of my teachers picked up his seven year old daughter from school a few weeks ago, and asked her how her day had been. "Oh it was great," she said "we had sex today." Naturally, her father was shocked.


Turns out, "sex" is the new slang for "seconds" at lunch - if you eat your greens, you get extra pudding.

Don't kids say the darndest things?

If you nick a pound coin off someone, and put it on top of a prittstick in the middle of the table, they will never find it. Ever.
Technically, this theory has only been tested once, on Hardeep. But it worked; he spent an entire science lesson growing more and more furious with us for hiding his pound coin. We spent the entire lesson laughing ourselves daft and staring blatantly at the shiny pound coin sitting proudly atop the prittstick in plain view.
Tasteless n' racist badges made by a fat child in Stoke on Trent in the 1980's. They were to commemorate the tragic accidental death of dozens of asians by a chemical leak from the union carbide plant in Bhopal.
A film studied during our GCSE English Literature course, which contained an inexplicable 10 second sex scene. None of us knew how it added to the plot or imagery of the film, although we were all eager to reference it in our essays. "No one was very good at maths because sir kept having sex scenes," for example.
Lipase in an enzyme which is used in digestion to break down fat. It was whilst trying to help Stephanie lose weight by dousing her in lipase, that I found out that such behaviour was dangerous, childish, and a form of bullying. By this uncharitable interpretation, my teacher would have said that Gandhi was "just showing off".
I pointed out to the teacher the unfairness of saying "you shouldn't spray Stephanie with lipase", then applying that rule with retrospective effect to punish me. But again, this apparently wasn't arguing for the rule of law in a democracy, it was "being gobby", and "landing myself in more hot water".
Two kids sit at their table, one kid jumps out of his chair and shouts "UPPA" in a high pitched voice, the other kid simply says "dine" in a low voice. Can, and did, culminate with a different child shouting "DIE YOU OLD PISSRUG BITCH" at the top of his voice. The piss-rug combination was insurmountable. She left and died.
5318008 : Boobies
55378008 : Boobless
7100553 : Esso Oil
71077345 : Shell Oil
37183045 : Shoe Bile
45084518 : Bish Bosh
There was a lady who was 69 (type 69) who wanted to be 22, (type 22) but the Doctor could only make her 25. (type 25) He gave her some pills and told her to take one (type 1), eight times (multiply by eight) a day, and when she woke up the next day, she found she was... (press equals, turn calculator upside-down)
A planet discovered by William Herschel on March 13, 1781, and named 'Uranus' by him, for a laugh. An absolute comedy staple of geography lessons, and by far the funniest of all the planets. Examples of usage include:
"Miss! Last night I looked through a telescope and I could see Uranus!"
"Miss! I know Saturn has rings, but what about the ring of Uranus?"
"Miss! Is Uranus part of a constellation? Is it Great Bare or is it the Big Dipper?"
Recently, teachers have tried to convince us that it is pronounced 'Err-en-us', but their efforts are likely to be thwarted by the announcement that planet 'X' is to be officially recognised, and re-named 'Stinkycornhole'.
There was a kid at my primary school who ate the urinal cake things because he thought they were marshmallows.
100% lies but we don't care. Have YOU ever eaten a piss cube? What do they taste like and did you suck it to make it last or crunch it?
A lie that is unnervingly believable to a na´ve five year old child is that you can only urinate in a public urinal once you have climbed down the plughole, where it is private. This can cause a child to piss himself out of reluctance to use the toilet. It did me.
The practice of alternately dedicating the 6 urinals in the toilet boy girl boy girl boy girl. Using a "girls" urinal was tantamount to a confession of homosexuality and it wasn't uncommon to see boys desperately hopping from foot to foot waiting for a boys urinal to become free. Anyone unaware of the rules who blithely used a "girls" urinal would rightly be greated with screams and howls of disgust. I think the stupidity of this was apparent to us even at the time, that said the looks of confusion at being admonished for using a "girls" urinal are quite unlike anything I've seen since. The game recieved a welcome revival in 4th year at secondary school when a new toilet was built which had individual urinals instead of the "trough" style which had to be declared single gender as a matter of logistics. The fun was partially sucked out of the game when upon shouting at a first year that he was gay for using a "girls" urinal he told us to "grow up and stop being a bunch of tits".
Way beyond the nipple gripple, and in the sun-scorched lands beyond the purple durple is the UT3. It's the only titty twister you'll see performed in the oil fields of the USA. It's the Ultimate Texan Titty Twister, and requires a synchronised dual titty twist of at least 180 degrees.
#4 in the lies of Troy Hawkins series.
Fuelled by morbid curiosity, I once asked Troy Hawkins if he could get me an Uzi automatic machine gun. He told me he could. When I pressed for more information, it turned out that they were "fifty quid, and they are from Blackbush." Blackbush Market being a large local Sunday affair, I presume that he imagined that this was some sort of black market bush, and made a rather wrong connection in his wrong, wrong, brain.