recorders, everything you need to know about
- The most evil sounding of all the musical instruments, it is played almost exclusively in schools, and sometimes by bearded folk musicians.Everyone must learn how to play 'London's Burning' on the recorder. The hardest bit is 'fire! fire!', which is best tackled by taking all of your fingers off the holes and then blowing as hard as you can.Geeks sometimes get to play one of those funny big recorders.No matter how talented the recorderist is, the first note on the chorus of 'Lord of the Dance' must be a shrill 'bum note' (see 'London's Burning').Geeks also turn up to lessons with their own fancy wooden recorder from home, while the rest of the class has to make do with a plastic one with teeth marks on it.Every parent dreads school concerts and the Harvest Festival, as there is every possibility that one of the first year classes will play an excruciatingly slow rendition of 'I am the Lord of the Fucking Dance' on recorders.
written by Po*ky Po*k, approved by Matt
Geeks sometimes get to play one of those funny big recorders.
In fact, those 'funny big recorders' were not for geeks - only the coolest people (me) got to play the Bass Recorder. Bass Recorders are to regular gay recorders as the Bass Guitar is to the mandolin. People openly envied me, and my gigantic plastic Aulos.
Similar to penises, the bigger the recorder, the more prestige. Strikingly similar to penises in another way, the tip of my recorder had an 'old spit' smell to them that no amount of rubbing on my jumper sleeve could remove. Teethmarks, too.
In fact, those 'funny big recorders' were not for geeks - only the coolest people (me) got to play the Bass Recorder. Bass Recorders are to regular gay recorders as the Bass Guitar is to the mandolin. People openly envied me, and my gigantic plastic Aulos.
Similar to penises, the bigger the recorder, the more prestige. Strikingly similar to penises in another way, the tip of my recorder had an 'old spit' smell to them that no amount of rubbing on my jumper sleeve could remove. Teethmarks, too.
written by an*nymou* use*, approved by Log
After playing several rounds of London's Burning, the recorder will fill up with lovely spittle. Remove the top and you have a flobby wand, from which you can flick your cool, refreshing spray at the bitch-girls in front or the nerdy gimp on the glockenspiel.
written by sc*ry*mar*, approved by Ponky
Bass recorder players only ever had about 2 notes to play throughout the entire tune. But the tenor was best. Please don't print my name.
Righto.
Righto.
written by Al* G, approved by Mansh
Being a shower of cheap bastards, our school made us buy our own recorders. Anyone turning up without one was forced to play one of the special school recorders. These were nasty, communal, wooden recorders that had had all the lacquer abraded off them by year after year of applications of schoolkid spit. As a result, they were always unpleasantly damp. So, if you played one, you would, of course, catch AIDS from it, particularly if you had chapped lips.
If you refused to play it, our freakishly large music teacher would stand silently in front of your seat, his groin at the level of your face, with his mouth hanging open in a vaguely sexual way until you started playing.
Naturally, this would also give you AIDS, chapped lips or no. We didn't forget our recorders very often.
If you refused to play it, our freakishly large music teacher would stand silently in front of your seat, his groin at the level of your face, with his mouth hanging open in a vaguely sexual way until you started playing.
Naturally, this would also give you AIDS, chapped lips or no. We didn't forget our recorders very often.
written by Th* Unf*rtun*tl* N*m Fi*bar, approved by Matt