| Report for Mike Alexander | |
|---|---|
| Approved stories | 3 |
| Rejected stories | 5 |
| Deleted stories | 4 |
| Summary | Mean Boy |
"If you want to do any drawings, help yourself to paper from the stock cupboard." Those fatal words mutated in my mind into "If you want to do any drawings - or make any paper aeroplanes..."
So me, Alex and Marco began raiding the cupboard, perfecting our individual designs, using playtime for test flights. Within days the first orders came in - "can you make one like that for me?" - and within a week the whole class (girls excepted) were in the grip of a craze.
The Sherlocks on the staff were quick to observe the increase in playtime air traffic, and the corresponding depletion of A4 in the stock cabinet. It was not long before the main suspects were hauled in.
So there we stood in the HM's office - me, Alex, Marco and a couple of associates in crime. You'd think we'd stolen the Crown Jewels or something. HM, red in the face, fuming and ranting: "What would you think if I were to help myself to school stock?". Silence... Then, with perfect timing, Alex lets go the loudest fart imaginable. The three of us stare at our feet, stare at the ceiling, at the office walls, our faces contorted, desperately trying to look serious, but absolutely crying with laughter.
So me, Alex and Marco began raiding the cupboard, perfecting our individual designs, using playtime for test flights. Within days the first orders came in - "can you make one like that for me?" - and within a week the whole class (girls excepted) were in the grip of a craze.
The Sherlocks on the staff were quick to observe the increase in playtime air traffic, and the corresponding depletion of A4 in the stock cabinet. It was not long before the main suspects were hauled in.
So there we stood in the HM's office - me, Alex, Marco and a couple of associates in crime. You'd think we'd stolen the Crown Jewels or something. HM, red in the face, fuming and ranting: "What would you think if I were to help myself to school stock?". Silence... Then, with perfect timing, Alex lets go the loudest fart imaginable. The three of us stare at our feet, stare at the ceiling, at the office walls, our faces contorted, desperately trying to look serious, but absolutely crying with laughter.
In our area (South London) you had to name three pubs and whistle in order to stop the beatings.
PS Beware saying 'No Slogs' in case the other person says it at the same time and 'jinxes' you.
PS Beware saying 'No Slogs' in case the other person says it at the same time and 'jinxes' you.
In our area it was 'scunner' - so we found it hilarious when there was a character in the TV series 'Supergran' called 'the Scunner Campbell'.
When someone shows off or brags about something they've done, and you think it's a piece of piss anyway, or just want to denigrate their achievement, you slow clap and say:
"Give him a peanut... give him a soggy peanut"
The implication being that they are about as cool as a performing monkey.
"Give him a peanut... give him a soggy peanut"
The implication being that they are about as cool as a performing monkey.
And when a humming epidemic was in progress, any teachers walking round looking for suspiciously closed mouths could be foiled by the 'N' humm; instead of going mmmmm you go nnnnnnn, which can be done with the mouth open.
Cross Country Bunking was OK, but could often become boring if skipping a few 10+ minute laps. This was often remedied by secreting cigarettes, miniatures of alcohol ('borrowed' from parents' drink-cabinet) - and, err, visually stimulating magazines - in various strategic hiding places during lunch-break. In our case a hollow under a tree-stump in the woods known as 'the spinney' was ideal.
The Wallington Variation:
'Cos Uncle Ross is having a toss
And Uncle Frank is having a wank
And Auntie Flo is having a go
With Gran-dad!
It's worth noting that it's nearly always the Auntie who gets it on with Grandad in these scenarios. Other possibilities include Uncle Jim having a rim, Auntie Irene flicking her bean, and of course Diana Rigg having a frig.
'Cos Uncle Ross is having a toss
And Uncle Frank is having a wank
And Auntie Flo is having a go
With Gran-dad!
It's worth noting that it's nearly always the Auntie who gets it on with Grandad in these scenarios. Other possibilities include Uncle Jim having a rim, Auntie Irene flicking her bean, and of course Diana Rigg having a frig.
Milk, Milk,
Lemonade!
Round the corner
Chocolate's made!
This rhyme was of course performed whilst pointing in turn to each nipple, then the penis, then the arse. Popular circa 1973 at infants school.
Lemonade!
Round the corner
Chocolate's made!
This rhyme was of course performed whilst pointing in turn to each nipple, then the penis, then the arse. Popular circa 1973 at infants school.
Extinguisher Ceiling Art
The CO2 extinguisher in the sixth form centre was equipped with a sort of horn or cone. As luck would have it, this could be swivelled round to face the ceiling, then filled with coffee, or better still, ribena, from the drinks machine. A quick yank on the lever would result in the, err, decoration of the ceiling.
Sixth formers were judged mature enough to deserve their own kitchen, oven and all. This illusion was shattered when someone put an old shoe in the oven and set it to 220 for a few hours. The whole building stank for days.
The CO2 extinguisher in the sixth form centre was equipped with a sort of horn or cone. As luck would have it, this could be swivelled round to face the ceiling, then filled with coffee, or better still, ribena, from the drinks machine. A quick yank on the lever would result in the, err, decoration of the ceiling.
Sixth formers were judged mature enough to deserve their own kitchen, oven and all. This illusion was shattered when someone put an old shoe in the oven and set it to 220 for a few hours. The whole building stank for days.
Batman and Robin
In the mobile
Robin done a blow-off
Paralysed the wheel
Brakes couldn't stand it
Engine flew apart
All because of Robin's
Supersonic fart.
(popular in infant schools, early-mid '70s)
In the mobile
Robin done a blow-off
Paralysed the wheel
Brakes couldn't stand it
Engine flew apart
All because of Robin's
Supersonic fart.
(popular in infant schools, early-mid '70s)
Turn a normal cookery lesson into shoe cookery by putting a rival chef's shoe into a pre-heated oven.
For dessert, pour ribena in the CO2 extinguisher's horn and spray it all over the ceiling.
For dessert, pour ribena in the CO2 extinguisher's horn and spray it all over the ceiling.
This reminds me of the noble art of parachuting. "Doing a parachute" meant getting the swing as high as possible then throwing yourself off, achieving as much height and distance as possible.
The key benefit of this was persuading a younger brother to try it - invariably they lacked the power to clear the concrete bit under the swings, thus severely grazing the hands and knees.
The key benefit of this was persuading a younger brother to try it - invariably they lacked the power to clear the concrete bit under the swings, thus severely grazing the hands and knees.