An excellent ruse. This involved asking a victim if they had "Skill". They would warily answer yes, which was a mistake. Skill, it was hilariously revealed, is an African bum-disease. The victim was of course trapped by the initial question, as to not have Skill was an obvious admission of being a total gaylord. (Interestingly, both definitions called it an African Bum Disease)

The original counter-strike;
Q : Have you got skill?
A : Yes.
Q : Ha ha, skill is an African Bum Disease!
A : No, I've got the skill that's in the dictionary...
Was finally conquered by the counter-counter-strike...
Q : Yeah, the African medical dictionary!

In extreme cases of skill, the surname McGill may be added.

Confusing. Skill on its own meant something good, used in the same context as ace, or mint. A skiller, however, was somebody who was completely crap at a given task. Look, I don't make the rules.

A glorious juxtaposition of 'brilliant' and 'Skill', and more than the sum of its parts. Recently re-adopted into my modern vernacular via the discovery of a tipp-exed cherry is skillient on a GCSE history folder.

Skinhead, Skinhead, Over there
What's it like to have no hair
Is it hot? Is it cold?
What's it like to be bald?

Skinny banana long legs with webbed feet,
Went to the pictures and couldn't find a seat,
When the pictures started everybody farted,
Skinny banana long legs with webbed feet.
But what happened next? I'm not sure if I'd have stopped and watched the film. Not standing up.

Near our primary school there was a derelict building. It was a good place to go if you wanted to inadvertently stand on a nail and have to go to hospital for a tetanus shot. Steve Donaldson was the hardest kid in our school. His trick was to allow other kids to break slates from the derelict building roof by whacking him over the head with them. The epic feat resulted in him being called slate head.

Muppet.

slides are slides, and slides are big slides, and slides are small slides, so slides are slides,so slides slide down slides, and fun slides are fun slides, and i slide dow sli

Sounds innocent enough, but at our school the term 'sliding' was invented after Mark Myers climbed up the ladder of a playground slide, and did a shit at the top. He then pissed around the shit, causing the excretia to descend the slide like a kind of warm piss and shit log* flume.

In a vain attempt to achieve equal glory, Craig Campbell-Ace crapped onto the lower part of the slide, but only managed to produce tidy little nuggets and immediately demanded toilet paper.

Not quite the urine soaked, rock 'n' roll finish we gave Mark credit for.

*I know.

Our Biology teacher Mr Peckover had a chalk line at the front of the class room. If you were out of order (speaking back, no homework, flooding the lab), he'd line you up and take a run up with his dunlop green flash, whack your behind and see how far you jumped. You also got to sign the weapon or tally up if you were a regular (I got up to 13 one year).
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The beatings delivered to a person who has just farted. The only way to stop the slogs (short of waiting for your beaters to become bored) is to recite the alphabet, forwards then backwards, then naming three teachers. Shouting "no slogs" immediately after farting offered some defence, but not if you were unpopular.

Any teacher trying to disrupt the slow clapping of an unpopular pupil's award ceremony by clapping faster than everyone else is doomed only to add a jazzy off-beat to the taunt, which will be enjoyed by all.

Gobbing on the back of one's hand and flicking it onto to the back of a teacher.

A friend of mine would become so apoplectic with rage that he suffered from a kind of expletive blindness and could manage to splutter out only the most feeble insults. His all-time classic was "You're nothing but a sly old fox", closely followed by "You're just an old bagpuss".

I want this one, too.

you can fuck off, I have great plans for this one

Actually, fuck it. It's been sitting in my fucking inbox ever since day 1 and I'm no closer to doing anything about it. So have it, Edward, and I hope it chokes you with its crapness.

In school there will allways be small kids and bigger kids. Bigger kids then gang up on the small kids. Band to together to remove the freaks. But what happens when the small kids go mental and thrash the living fuck out of the big kids.Breaking the fascist bulling regime not many people have witnessed this glory. Im proud to have been witness to not one but two small kid revenge attacks but two.

The first these was by the "goblin" so called because he had face like a church goblin. He was the kind of kid that wore his cycle hemlet
indoors and had plasters in the most insane places and smelt of old dogs and pipesmoke. he was harshly bullied by nick shaffy(The school cunt hated by all).This carried on for three years or so until we left. The last day of school as usual nick had found his victim. Like the pope in 1942 everyone stayed out of it. Watching and feeling pity for the goblin with but relief it wasnt us. Nick goes through the motions turns to walk away. Goblin suddenly says hang on nick i have something for you. Nick turns and recieves with thanks and d lock in the nose a swift kick in the balls. Then three years of pure body fasicism powered rage burst out. He smacked him with the d lock in head and chest. suddenly he stopped walked up to his bike got on and left. Nick was left in shock we where left in oar of the greatest short guy ever.

The second was involing the goblin in a fight . Well io say a fight it was more like a suprise beating. goblin hid behind a door and battered another bullie senseless (shaffys only friend). with a steel meter long ruler. untill the teacher come in and stopped the goblins manic
attack.

hes probably killed someone by now and is next to the yorkshire ripper in whitemoor. If you see a small goblin man in the cambridge area avoid avoid avoid

well people used to go in to the toilets and put out a smartie or a biscuit or somthing. everyone would wank and the last to cum on them would have too eat it all!! i would like to say i never joined in on this!!

The child holding the ball is the queer. It is the job of all the other children to smear him. To wit, hard-tackle him as violently as possible.
The phrase smear the queer has no connotations with smearing poo around his anus. Using your penis.

"Smell my cheese", the bully would invite. Cheese famously smelling delicious, you would eagerly bend over to the waiting fist, anxious to see if there is a tiny cube of fragrant cheese concealed within. As you get closer, you become suspicious. There's no cheese here... and then, the bully would punch you in the nose. A pleasing variant of this is when the bully adds "Smell my cheese, would you?" and walks off huffily, as though you've offended him mightily. You are the victim of another imaginary foodstuff. See also "You just drank my wee".

Usually followed by a five second fist-fight.

-Log...
-What?
-...Smells.

An affectionate name for Donna Kelly - whose mother was often speculated to be a welfare slut who craved slimy man-fat. It was all she knew.

The remarkably immature outburst of our pissy History teacher when anyone mentioned television. There we would be, sagely discussing the journalistic merits of the Equinox programme, and he would pop up and shrill "smelly telly!" in our faces.

Not a game devised by Smith, but one that involved his bag. Essentially the same as Piggy in the Middle, but with the additional gameplay element of throwing the bag to nobody in particular and watching it smack against hard concrete.

The game was deprecated after a strawberry yogurt burst messily inside a compartment of the bag. Nonchalant as ever, Smith started using a different compartment for his lunch and left the yogurt to fester until he got a new bag months later.

The vigilance of local shopkeepers denied us access to real cigarettes, so a competition developed to see who could smoke the most unpleasant and noxious substance found in the school classrooms.

We tried many items such as rolled up newspaper, animal bedding, plants, etc. But first prize went to the boy who attempted to smoke a significant length of bunsen burner tube. He lit one end, and then inhaled the fumes from the other.

He was, of course, copiously sick, leaving the classroom like a scene from The Exorcist. Magic.