One day Tez came into school with a rhyme his mate from another school taught him:

In the German nick
They hang you by your dick
And the bats play snooker with your balls.
Then your mind goes blank
And you're dying for a wank
And the cum goes shooting up the walls.

This rhyme proved to be so popular that by the end of the first lesson, the whole class were singing it. The only problem was, I didn't actually know what cum was. Eventually I asked Tez who laughed in my face and told the rest of the class who also all laughed at me. I still reckon none of them knew what it was either. Bastards.

Whilst innocently measuring the circumference of the playground with a pedometer, a friend and I were approached by an elderly couple who announced that they were German Terrorists in need of directions to the centre of the village. Despite a lack of formal anti-terrorist training we managed to direct the couple to a fenced-in path running alongside the playground, where we pelted them with stones, causing them to run until the man hurt his leg.

Aptly named hiding game in which girls hid from the boys under the pretence of secreting their jewels, only to be found, wrestled to the ground and groped. Unless they were ugly, in which case aforesaid groping took place out of sight.

Used as a way of protecting yourself from girl germs, boy germs, David germs, etc. Simply clutch the area that comes into contact with a boy, girl, or David, and shout germlock!.
Leave it too late and you might accidentally lock the germs into the affected area, so be careful.

Gerrunder - a regional pronunciation of "get under", as shouted by Pamela Tatler throughout her entire fourth year.
She once made a teacher so frustrated by her persistent one-word outbursts that he picked up her, her chair and her desk in one scooping movement, and put her outside the class.
After he deposited her outside the door and returned to the class, everyone went quiet. The calm was punctuated by a plaintive question from outside;
"Gerrunder?"
This was an innovation; she'd never punctuated her gerrunders before, and a new range of Gerrunder Moods was born.

A : Have you heard the gestapo joke?
b : No...
(A slaps B hard around the around the face and shouts in a comedy Nazi accent)
A : Liar!
If the question is answered with a weary "Yes", then slap them and call them a liar anyway; disorientation is a perfectly valid method of interrogation.

Get down on it. Suck my helmet. Please don't bite it. Just excite it. Get your lipstick. Round my dipstick.. It just ends there. It feels like it shouldn't, but it does.

Getting a legger involved a group of you standing a small distance (no more than 15-20 metres) from a group of "older boys" who were busy doing something else (usually playing football), and hurling abuse at them in order to provoke them into chasing you (obviously with the intention of beating you senseless). You then all just had to run like fuck and get away.

The older boys didn't know what the fuck we were doing or why and I don't think we did either.

Monumentally stupid game, annoyingly however I lost the rules. It involved asking older kids to beat you up until they did, though.

This however was one thing that one of the children in my year could not achieve.
In year 9 SATS there was a strange smell eminating from a certain childs single desk. Turns out, he had set fire to the table. What was he thinking! Did he really think he could get away with setting a desk on fire in a silent room, with teachers on the lookout for anybody who moves their heads. I think these petty criminals should take time to think before commiting such crimes.

The ingenious practice of insulting people inaccurately. The insultee will invariably correct the insult, thus confirming and accepting it.

Person A: "You're a fuckwick"
Person B: "You mean I'm a fuckWIT"
Person A: "Yeah, you are"

Hilarity will, inevitably, ensue.

A peculiar fashion that developed toward the end of fourth year, this was the height of daring, although as most of the time was spent sitting down it wasn't too difficult. When you were stood up there were always people in front of you to hide you. Four or five of us did it once but we had to stop because we were making some others giggle insanely. Tom Baird once walked out to the front of Modern Studies and stood smiling at the teacher with his cock out. The teacher only looked mildly disgruntled so eventually Baird just wandered out of the room, still swinging free.

Pronounced gugunubuh - stands for 'gay ginger nature boy'. Applies to anyone attempting to sing back to some birds, if they are ginger. In particular, my brother.

In our primary school we formed 'The Ghost Gang' based on our suspicions that the school was haunted. In reality we were more like the SS than the Ghostbusters because our only purpose was to kick the shit out of diabetics, vegetarians and asthmatics.

Every primary school in the land is actually haunted, usually by dead children who were killed when an unstable playground wall fell on them, although sometimes it's a dreadful fire which engulfed the building in Victorian times.

Bizarrely, a simple wall fall will often result in several gruesome ghosties, whereas the school itself burning down will always leave just one rather dull (and mute) dead girl wearing a dirty white dress who Jenny swears was watching her in the toilets at break.

Hampshire, Winter. An elite team of boarding school pupils gather on the headmster's lawn and build an enormous giant snow cock on this forbidden land. It was huge; as tall as the tallest pupil you can imagine.
The next day, it became a natural meeting point before school, and pupils lined the forbidden lawn, gazing in wonder at the edifice. The headmaster sent out a weedy, natural victim of a teacher with instructions to take down this obscenity.
His limbs, flapping uselessly at the proud, mighty totem served only to whip the baying crowd of pupils into hysteria, who saw it as nothing less than an attempt to wank it off.

Cocktail supplied by Martin Gibbs consisting of a drop from each bottle of his father's sizeable drinks cabinet with the balance made up with cooking sherry. The bulk of the cocktail was generally given to anyone who had PE that afternoon and the subsequent displays of ridiculous drunken excess would have resulted in stern disiplinary action had our PE teacher not been a habitual alcoholic himself. Gibbs Suprise also led to the incapacitation of our cross country team - the only thing for which our school was famed. Thus I like to think it played a small part in the school's collapse into the very bottom of the league tables.

I think I hade just cum.

i hade a friend called gibbo and he fell over playing football. we all laughed at him but he had popped his knee out of its socket. when he straightened his knee it popped back in again and we were all like "ew thats disgusting". i personally thought he just had fat knees or something

i hade a friend called gibbo and he fell over playing football. we all laughed at him but he had popped his knee out of its socket. when he straightened his knee it popped back in again and we were all like "ew thats disgusting". i personally thought he just had fat knees or something

Gilbert was the groundskeeper at the school and as such lived in a shed between the pavilion and the cricket-scoring hut. (it was a middle class school in surrey that had pretensions towards some sort of Brideshead revisited idyll).
Naturally it was assumed that he molested children in the shed. Anyone suspected of kiddy fiddling was known as a Gilbert.

Medieval farmer with an unfortunate affliction. We first became aware of his existence when, for some reason, some first years in History had been made to write letters from one medieval farmer to another, and the best of these had been pinned to the wall. Hilarity ensued when we noticed that one of them concluded with, "PS. Giles, you still HIV positive?"

Whenever a policeman comes to school (either to talk to you about careers and shit, or to arrest someone, depending on the calibre of your school), it is customary to point them out to a ginger, exclaiming "Ooh, someone hasn't paid their ginger tax!"

The ginger in question is then expected to reply "Damn, I knew I forgot something", and then spend the rest of the day in hiding. If he doesn't do this, you may hit him.

something about this got me going

Not only did our ginger teacher like being ginger so much that he grew a beard, he also used to smoke infront of the class! Weird. But not as weird as topping yourself when they find out you're a kiddy fiddler. Weird Ginger!

As a male child of the rusty-follicled persuasion, I learned that the worst thing you can possibly do is try and deflect insults with a cry of "It's not ginger! It's strawberry blonde!"

Thanks for the tip, Ross. Log, you could do worse than take heed.

Derived from the overpriced service station pasty and sandwich makers. It is to be caught with your dick in your hand. Perhaps with a pasty in the other hand.