A group of French exchange students came to my boarding school when I was sixteen. One of them, Isobelle, caught my eye immediately and I began wooing. I could not speak French and she could not speak English; the only words we knew in each others languages were numbers and colours and stuff. However, we both proved fluent in the international language of teenage love - snogging (with tongues).

So every night after prep we would hop over the school wall, find a cozy nook and snog and say 'bleu' and 'three'.

After a few days of this I went to my French teacher for some advice. I needed some quality lines, you see? Being the fool that I was, I wrote down his suggestion phonetically on my hand.

That night we hopped over the wall as usual. I kissed her, smiled and said "taille moi une pipe, salope".

She smacked me in the mouth, leapt over the wall and I never saw her again apart from when she was in an angry group of Frenchies who all hissed at me in their French way. Like cats.

My french teacher was a cunt. The phrase he taught me means something along the lines of "suck my cock, you whore".