The theory that it's possible to avoid being bollocked for misbehaviour if it's so blatant that the teacher will be unable to believe it actually happened, or incapable of responding in a dignified and appropriate manner. For instance, a twenty minute tirade about "stringy chicken dicks" and "this woman, right, gets shagged by a horse" in response to reading Animal Farm (qv) will generally result in a feeble "that's enough now, Paul" Immunity in excess does not extend to those laughing, however, who will be punished with misdirected severity.

This theory was pushed to its very limits when we set fire to a desk and started doing deodourant-flamethrowers in front of a cover teacher in our drama class. Punishment? Not a sausage.

Clint brought a dead dog he found in the road into our form room and proceeded to make the corpse dance on his desk. After taking a moment or two to absorb the true horror of Clint's actions, our form tutor merely asked him to "put that away until break". This suggested that playing with dead animals at school was acceptable provided that it didn't distract us from answering the register.

I was lucky enough to experience immunity in excess one Thursday afternoon, when my P.E. class whiled away the idle hours by ripping down the blinds and using a metal metre ruler to poke holes in the ceiling. Apparently, public schools are made from Plaster of Paris hidden by a thin coat of paint.

This works, as I found out when I stood up in RE and in a moment of insanity said 'fuck this, I'm leaving' to the teacher. On realising what I'd done, I returned 5 minutes later and sat back down. Punishment? Not a murmur

that sounds like paul dixon at work - i remember him once shouting "oh just shut up and DIE, you old walrus" at the english teacher, while she was leaning over the desk correcting his work, she didn't even flinch and i got ripped a new arse because i couldn't stop crying with fucking laughter

that boy was a legend

After two weeks of work experience in an office (which seemed to consist only of arranging people's registration forms into alphabetical order) i was expected to make a five minute presentation to my english class about my duties, and what i had learned. Obviously, such menial duties hardly inspire one's imagination. My presentation consisted almost entirely about the only someway meaningful observation i had made during that fortnight, the way that one of the secerataries bore an uncanny resemblence to the brunette from Viz magazine's popular strip 'The Fat Slags'.
Bizzarely, this 'excess' stunned my class almost as much as my teacher, perhaps they knew the immunity didn't stretch as far as them

In a bizarre reversal of this rule, doing something totally harmless in a surreptitious enough manner will undoubtedly obtain you a bollocking.

A dear friend of mine was on google in IT with a totally relevant search on screen, but was hunched over the keyboard and sitting in a corner when the teacher came over, protesting his innocence. He received three after schools.

At the sixth formers leaving do, Mr Davey, the head of the sixth form (a physics teacher with the manner and form of a hirsute second-hand car salesman)approached me and asked me whether I really wanted the words "I AM GAY" emblazoned across the top of my school valediction. I told him that I had no problem with it, and proceeded to get drunk. At some point in the evening I do believe I snuck up behind him and pinched his buttocks. The look of shock, followed by his distinctly queasy laughter only slighly mitigated the fact that I had touched his arse.

I no longer recall who the joke was actually on.

A classic of its genre

we had a kid in our class called treey eadie,

we aslo had a teacher very lame teacher for georgraphy,
this resulted in terry first telling her to piss off
then throwing his peciel at her
then his pencil case
then his book
then his text book
then the table

all he got told to do was stand outside the classroom

Jimmy Fucking Carr, eh? This entry is utter shit, but I'm passing it on so that other people can fully appreciate its shitness.

Reading this made me want to hit someone.

Bollocks.

I was drifting in an out of a lazy English lesson, when I heard our (young, new, and more importantly - female) english teacher finish a question with "..I came?". My immediate response was to shout "all over your tits". Immunity? I got suspended.

Later [having bought said teacher flowers so she would forgive me] in another english lesson, I announced "i've such a fucking itchy arse". They tried to expell me, instead I cried . I was 18.

I still blame Jimmy Carr for the whole incident.

Remember the Trebor Mints that came in dildo-esque green packet? (A couple of years ago)
Our subsitute french teacher for higher(our real teacher got a disease of some sort)had no control over the class at all, she was pathetic. One day with perfect timing (as the class went silent), Pupil A shouts to Pupil B on the other side of the classroom, holding the empty mint packet aloft:" Hey pupil B, fancy a shot of my dildo?"
It was enough to make Miss subsitute stand agog, unable to speak, until her face turned scarlet and she continued with Route Nationale without saying a word.