There was an emotional conditioning song at school: "If you're happy and you know it clap your hands." If you weren't happy (or were happy, but didn't know it), then technically you shouldn't clap, but if you didn't clap you got told off, so you learned to smile and join in and keep the dark thoughts for the bedroom. Anyway, me and Kevin Smith managed to sing "if you're happy and you know it crap your pants" many times, unnoticed, until it caught on and became the accepted chorus. Then, stiff disciplinary measures were taken.

Martin Price was not happy and everyone knew it. He had just had a severe telling off from Miss Wells for being caught spitting and was in floods of tears. So as the rest of the class of seven-year-olds sang the jolly song complete with 'claps' Martin reluctantly sang along, his face streaked with tears and snot; his whole being in complete contradiction with the uplifting ditty. Miss Wells ignored him for four whole verses and choruses before sending him to the toilets to wash.
Miss Wells didn't like dirty children. She once dragged Paul Hoskins out to the front of the class for farting and whacked him across the arse with a gymshoe, not knowing he'd actually shat himself, thus creating a far bigger clean-up job than previously necessary.