Life, fundamental unfairness of
At the age of 5, I was taken out of class and made to wait outside the headmistress's office. While I was there I was told that I had been seen looking into the girls' toilets.
I burst into tears as I stood on a white square on the chequered floor (something we had to do when we'd been naughty, perhaps to highlight our stained souls against the whiteness of tile). A teacher walked up and asked me why I was crying.
"Because I didn't do it!" I said.
"But if you didn't do it, why are you crying?" she replied, stonily.
It was at that moment I realised that the world was fundamentally unfair.
I burst into tears as I stood on a white square on the chequered floor (something we had to do when we'd been naughty, perhaps to highlight our stained souls against the whiteness of tile). A teacher walked up and asked me why I was crying.
"Because I didn't do it!" I said.
"But if you didn't do it, why are you crying?" she replied, stonily.
It was at that moment I realised that the world was fundamentally unfair.
written by Ch*ef C*irpa, approved by Log
As part of a punishment, you may be asked to decide the punishment yourself. The teacher will then decide whether you've opted for a harsh enough sentence, and may add humourous tweaks, if he's that sort of teacher.
Tactics for the student varied, opting for an exagerrated sentence would show that you recognised the severity of your sins, but you ran the risk of the teacher agreeing with you.
Alternately, you could try saying "you could make me go home, sir" - or "you could give me three millions pounds so I can go mental on drugs and end up dead", in the hope that such cheeky-chappery will make the teacher say "dooo, I couldn't possibly punish you... you have such spirit", before lovingly chasing you around the classroom.
Tactics for the student varied, opting for an exagerrated sentence would show that you recognised the severity of your sins, but you ran the risk of the teacher agreeing with you.
Alternately, you could try saying "you could make me go home, sir" - or "you could give me three millions pounds so I can go mental on drugs and end up dead", in the hope that such cheeky-chappery will make the teacher say "dooo, I couldn't possibly punish you... you have such spirit", before lovingly chasing you around the classroom.
written by Cr*sh Ha*py, approved by Log
Another classic "clever teacher punishment" is to make you write an essay, detailing why your behaviour was wrong; when you hand it in, they simply screw it up and throw it away.
This was supposedly intended to dishearten and break the spirit of the wrongdoer. In reality, it just let the student know that they didn't really care if you'd learned your lesson, which is as good as saying "do it again, it was brilliant".
Get the best of every world by writing an essay on why Mr Deller is a big tit who insists on being called PC Deller when he's only in the fucking specials, MNNGNG. It's a big gamble that you can only lose, and it's not at all worth it, but... you might as well.
This was supposedly intended to dishearten and break the spirit of the wrongdoer. In reality, it just let the student know that they didn't really care if you'd learned your lesson, which is as good as saying "do it again, it was brilliant".
Get the best of every world by writing an essay on why Mr Deller is a big tit who insists on being called PC Deller when he's only in the fucking specials, MNNGNG. It's a big gamble that you can only lose, and it's not at all worth it, but... you might as well.
written by Go*ty Go*ty, approved by Log
When I was at junior school, a friend and I stumbled across a patch of playground tarmac that had a bag of crisps enthusiastically stamped into it.
We approached the margins of the stamped crisp zone, and nervously trod on one crisp each.
As soon as we did so, a squad of prefects leapt out of hiding and dragged us off to the headmaster. They told him that we were the culprits of the entire crisp-stamping episode.
We lost a day's playtime. It is because of this that I can empathise with the Guildford Four.
Why they had prefects at a junior school I have no idea. They were abolished by the time I got to the final year, so I never had a chance to wreak proxy revenge on younger pupils.
We approached the margins of the stamped crisp zone, and nervously trod on one crisp each.
As soon as we did so, a squad of prefects leapt out of hiding and dragged us off to the headmaster. They told him that we were the culprits of the entire crisp-stamping episode.
We lost a day's playtime. It is because of this that I can empathise with the Guildford Four.
Why they had prefects at a junior school I have no idea. They were abolished by the time I got to the final year, so I never had a chance to wreak proxy revenge on younger pupils.
written by Ma*t *asham, approved by Rosy
In Primary school I was once made to wait outside the Headmistress's room for a whole playtime, quaking in my boots about what I could have done wrong, only to have her step out just before the bell rang to tell me she was "glad I hadn't been involved in the violent incident earlier" when my best friend had kicked someone in the head. I've never been more angry with a teacher in my life.
Except maybe for the time I got shouted at for "kissing a boy" despite the fact that the boy in question had kicked me in the ankle, pushed me onto the grass and held me down in order to perpetrate the kiss. That's Catholic schools for you. Treat 8-year-old girls like the hussies they are.
Except maybe for the time I got shouted at for "kissing a boy" despite the fact that the boy in question had kicked me in the ankle, pushed me onto the grass and held me down in order to perpetrate the kiss. That's Catholic schools for you. Treat 8-year-old girls like the hussies they are.
written by Su* K, approved by Matt
Ooh this makes me mad. I was house point monitor. When i asked Mrs Beaton for her class's point total, she said she wasn't ready yet. I pointed out that assembly was in ten minutes time. She said "I won't be pressured by an eight year old". When assembly came I confessed that I wasn't in a position to relay the total points for the house, and I was reprimanded in front of the entire cross-legged giggling bastard school. With Mrs Beaton shaking her head with disappointment. That's not fair is it? She was very old I hope she is dead.
written by an*nymo*s *se*, left hanging by Rosy
When in year one (only then it was class 2, reception not having been invented yet), we had been making windmills, out of balso wood etc. When pushed backwards by Tom Late (the little shit), i accidentally (ACCI-FUCKING-DENTALLY) stepped on a girls windmill that had fallen on the floor. I was promptly sent to the tosser of a Headmaster's office by Mrs Philby, who was considered an evil bag by pretty much everyone, including my parents, despite my protests of innocence. Bastards. I hated that school.
written by Ro*s *om*ie, disapproved by Mansh
The 'Tombstone' was a trademark move of The Undertaker on WWF which involved turning his opponent on their head, grabbing their ankles and jumping, thereby slamming their head forcefully to the floor.
David Hardy repeatedly subjected James Bancroft to the move in the changing rooms.
The gym teacher promptly bollocked a now-blubbing James for being so stupid as to 'let' David do that to him.
David Hardy repeatedly subjected James Bancroft to the move in the changing rooms.
The gym teacher promptly bollocked a now-blubbing James for being so stupid as to 'let' David do that to him.
written by Ch*is Wr*y, disapproved by Mansh
Similar thing happened to me. The headmaster took my tears as proof of my guilt. He would only let me go when I confessed to the crime that I did not commit: talking during one of his bastard singalongs.
written by Al*ons* Ga*ss, deleted by Phil
At a sports meet I had the misfortune to be passing as the games teacher found out that our 1500m runner hadn't turned up. 'You do it, Pedant.' he said.
Pointing out to him that I was useless at that event and that there were better choices within earshot had no effect and I then had to run myself almost to the point of vomiting in a sterling attempt to uphold the school's reputation.
I finished last by about 250m, then had to run over to the other side of the field to make the start of my own event (this was in the days before the Government had sold off every school playing field, and thus was quite a considerable distance).
I finished last in that also. I was then publicly bollocked by the games teacher for 'not trying' IN BOTH EVENTS. I'd just like to say at this point - you're a cunt, Mr. Thomas.
Pointing out to him that I was useless at that event and that there were better choices within earshot had no effect and I then had to run myself almost to the point of vomiting in a sterling attempt to uphold the school's reputation.
I finished last by about 250m, then had to run over to the other side of the field to make the start of my own event (this was in the days before the Government had sold off every school playing field, and thus was quite a considerable distance).
I finished last in that also. I was then publicly bollocked by the games teacher for 'not trying' IN BOTH EVENTS. I'd just like to say at this point - you're a cunt, Mr. Thomas.
written by Bi*ching*Peda*t, deleted by Jamie
*smoothes down hair* How YOU doin'?
written by Dr*w *tyl*s, deleted by Jamie
in our maths class our teachers punishment was to give you a photocopy of a maths book preface with the crime written at the top i.e "disruption"
The premis was that you copied out the preface in ink but for every letter of "disruption" you had to write in capitals in pencil
The redeeming feature of this was ,if you made less than ten mistakes you were given an IOU to be used the next time you were collared
The premis was that you copied out the preface in ink but for every letter of "disruption" you had to write in capitals in pencil
The redeeming feature of this was ,if you made less than ten mistakes you were given an IOU to be used the next time you were collared
written by ro*y f*rr*er, deleted by Matt