My cousin played the innkeeper in his school nativity, and was disappointed to receive relatively few lines. So he improvised. On being asked whether there was any room at the inn, he declared it to be virtually empty, and went on to extol the virtues of his accommodation, including room tariffs.
written by an*y *unn, approved by Phil

The Observational Comedy™ Rules of School Nativity Plays
  1. Only the Teacher’s pets get to play Mary and Joseph. Only the retards get to play animals.
  2. Every costume must contain a tea towel.
  3. Despite what you see in SitComs, real goats are very rarely used, and it's even rarer for them to put their heads in the swaddling and eat Jesus' face.
  4. Before uttering any lines, one kid must burst into tears on stage and be taken off by a teacher.
  5. Lo, there shall be tambourines, and coconut halves, and bells on a stick, and yay, they shall be jangled and clopped.
  6. The tea-towel:tin-foil ratio will be affected by the decision to have three wise men (headscarves), or three kings (crowns).
    One year, the teachers decided that a foil star dangled from a stick was not enough, and that I would have to dress up as a big fucking star and put on top of a step-ladder for ten minutes.
    The innkeeper knocked me over whilst exiting the stage, and I collapsed on top of a sheep, which stood up and kicked me.
written by Ni*k Ke*t, approved by Log

A helpful parent made a number of wooden swords for the kids who were cast as Roman soldiers. These proved so popular that it became impossible to persuade any boys to take non-soldier roles. After cajoling, pleading and finally threatening had failed to engender any interest in the other roles, the teachers took the unprecedented step of arming all the boy characters.
And Lo! Shepherds, innkeepers, wise men and even the bloody donkey all celebrated the birth of Christ armed to the fucking teeth with murderous excitement in their eyes.
written by To*y *reen, approved by Matt

Nativity Rule #7

Seventies Asian kids would be automatically assigned Three Kings roles.
written by Cl*ve Ba*ne*, approved by Rosy