Toilet Mountaineers
A radiator key is a wonderful implement. For one thing, it allows you remove excess air from your radiators and therefore enable them to produce the maximum amount of heat, which has undoubtedly saved many a pensioner from death by hypothermia.

But in the hands of a group of 10 year old schoolboys intent on mischief, a radiator key can do much much more. We found out that we could lock toilet cubicle doors from the outside using this tool. Naturally, we proceeded to do so at every available opportunity. For two whole weeks the scandal went on. How would the powers-that-be respond to the crisis? Eventually, an assembly was called to address the situation.

"People are locking cubicles from the inside and climbing over, rendering them unusable," barked the headmaster, clearly quite annoyed at the ongoing disruption to toilet usage. A select few, of course, knew different.

A few days after the assembly, it all came to a head. We were midway through securing a toilet door yet again in the boys changing rooms, when in burst the headmaster and the sports teacher in what was no doubt a meticulously planned ambush.

In their excitement the sports teacher proclaimed "Ah ha, Headmaster, we've caught the toilet mountaineers in the act!"

We couldn’t help laughing at this ridiculous exclamation from Mr Dresser. Neither could the headmaster. It took some time before order was restored.

Eventually, however, the toilet mountaineers were banged to rights. Fortunately, when they sent a letter home detailing the whole sordid tale, my mum thought it was funny too.

I'm letting this one go because I like it, but if anyone can explain to me exactly how you can lock a toilet door from the outside using a radiator key, please let me know. If it's possible, there's going to be some toilet mountaineering at my workplace, make no mistake. - Matt
written by Ja*es W, approved by Matt

Well, my plea for information was eventually answered. This isn't a funny entry, but I'm approving it in the hope that it might inspire a new generation of toilet mountaineers. Go on. Tackle that north face - Matt.

You need to have cubicles with a rotating circular bit below the window showing red or green. There should be a slot in the middle of the circle, allowing the key to be inserted.
written by an*nym*us*us*r, approved by Matt

The gauntlet is well and truly thrown down by Anonymous User here. I know I'm probably the only person who gives a fuck about this, but I'd like to hear from any readers who just GET OUT THERE AND LOCK THOSE DAMN TOILETS. Lock them like they've never been locked before. - Matt

Feh, who needs a radiator key, or a particular variety of door lock? Was the previous contributor gay? Or stupid? Or both?
Any key, credit card or belt buckle will do. Pull the door closed and hold it with your foot, insert your chosen tool into the outside bit of the lock, and shift it round or across. This is also useful for locking your cousin into the toilet at home and inducing 9-year-old-boy-hysteria.

Someone's done this to the only cubicle that actually locks in the ladies' bogs in the council swimming pool, but I'm buggered if I'm going to be the one who unlocks it.
written by an*nym*us us*r, approved by Matt

Anonymous User misses the fucking point by a mile. I despair, I really do. - Matt

Just lock the door from the inside, climb over the top of the stall and into the next lav. Repeat again and again until all toilets in the building are locked.
written by an*nymo*s use*, approved by Matt

Anonymous User One tells of a toilet mountaineering variant which might be of interest to small children and midgets. Not quite within the spirit of TRUE toilet mountaineering, which aims to achieve maximum lockage with minimum effort, but an interesting historical footnote nonetheless. And certainly preferable to *tchoh* climbing over the toilet walls. I mean, really.

At junior school the toilet partitions were high enough from the floor to enable me (being of a suitably weedy build) to crawl under the partition in order to achieve toilet lockout.

Anonymous User Two tells of an evil twist in the toilet mountaineering tail.

Wait until the you really badly need a poo. Place a wad of lightly-clumped toilet roll into the bowl before dropping your load, ensuring that the poo remains above the waterline for maximum stink. Wipe, leave and lock.

A group of friends, curry with raisins in for school lunch, and careful planning can result in a dozen reeking and locked cubicles by afternoon break.

Apart from the original story from James W, everyone has submitted entries anonymously to this topic. You should all know by now that to partake in this noble sport is absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. - Matt
written by an*nym*us*us*r, approved by Matt

The best effects come when one child in your class has a serious bladder problem. Faced with the conundrum of locked toilet doors they will come running back into the class crying, with a pool of pee round their ankles. Sorry, Toby.

Glad to see that the trend for anonymity amongst Toilet Mountaineer contributors has been bucked by Kev here. Oh, and * penski wrote in demanding a credit for the stink-out story and claiming that the LotP login function is gay. Sorry, *penski, but not being able to log in makes YOU gay, not the site. You big gay. - Matt
written by Ke* Cou*ts, approved by Matt

My suggestion to all budding toilet mountaineers is to buy a Leatherman. After reading this story I have studied many lavatory doors, and one day soon I plan to take out every public toilet in the city centre.

This is exactly what we want. Let's hope we make it into the newspapers. - Matt
written by an*ny*ou* user, approved by Matt