| Report for Matt Sharp | |
|---|---|
| Approved stories | 9 |
| Rejected stories | 4 |
| Deleted stories (hidden) | 3 |
| Summary | Exemplary Child |
Something I am alone in remembering is the time in the Infant School when a woman came in to feel our balls in the Head's Office.
No, really.
No, really.
In addition to this, the composition of said bullets could be stated:
"One red, one blue, one made of doggie's poo".
"One red, one blue, one made of doggie's poo".
First, put your hands together. Then whisper "open daddy's pants" to the person sitting next to you.
Try to say "open daddy's pants" in a way that implies something good will happen if they do.
When they reach tentatively towards your hands, sproing your middle finger out and make a hissing sound. It's daddy's cock! And it's doing a piss!
Try to say "open daddy's pants" in a way that implies something good will happen if they do.
When they reach tentatively towards your hands, sproing your middle finger out and make a hissing sound. It's daddy's cock! And it's doing a piss!
A variant on this is 'Barsies', initiated by crossing your fingers. So long as they were crossed, you were safe from all harm (eg. 'Stinker Disease' and the terrifying 'Germs').
Lazy people invented '1 2 3 Barsies for life', which supposedly granted continuous protection from the horrors of Sam Barrett et al.
Lazy people invented '1 2 3 Barsies for life', which supposedly granted continuous protection from the horrors of Sam Barrett et al.
An educational grey dome with wheels, that boasted a thrilling array of colourful buttons. Basically, a Big Trak that couldn't carry apples or make "pew pew" sounds at a bemused dog.
Was never quite well-known enough to form the basis of the following conversation to wind up travellers:
"I'm from the Roma community"
"Oh cool! Where are your gaily coloured educational buttons?"
"No, Romani"
"Don't be silly, Roamers don't have knees"
"*sigh* I'm part of an Indo-Aryan people, traditionally normadic itenerants, living mostly in Europe"
"MUM THE ROBOTS TALKING WEIRD AGAIN"
One of my earliest memories of my teacher in Year One gathering the class together and gravely informing us that someone had somehow placed a shit on the windowsill in the boy's toilet. Learning that the caretaker had not been happy about having to scoop crap off the high windowsill practically killed us. More mysterious is quite how said turd made it all the way up there. Sam, the tallest boy in school, was quickly targetted, but he managed to transfer our wrath to Steven, who became known as 'Stinker'. Contact with Stinker would result in immediate death.
The variant 'eenie meenie minee mo, catch a nigger by the toe', taught to me by the school's only black kid, should not be used in front of parents. Or in Clark's, no matter how hard it is to decide which shoes you want.
Shhhhhh, don't cry, have a milkshake.
Now, let's rewind and see each of those elements in action.
1. "Shhhhhh" (Extended middle finger held over the lips)
2. "Don't cry..." (Classic 'V' gesture, with each finger running slowly from just below the eyes to about halfway down the cheeks)
3. "Have a milkshake" (Traditional limp-wristed fist shaking 'wanker' gesture)
Now, let's rewind and see each of those elements in action.
1. "Shhhhhh" (Extended middle finger held over the lips)
2. "Don't cry..." (Classic 'V' gesture, with each finger running slowly from just below the eyes to about halfway down the cheeks)
3. "Have a milkshake" (Traditional limp-wristed fist shaking 'wanker' gesture)
This was a practice swiftly banned in our school, after an ambulance was called for Jamie. We would recount this incident regularly in an effort to put his moronity down to severe brain damage. He was, of course, simply a twat.
There were a number of factors that contributed to the terrible decision to piss in Steve's bed. It was the last day of a school trip to Austria. Two things had annoyed us throughout the week:
a) Steve
b) The utterly horrible food
So, to punish Steve and the hostel, all we had to do was piss in Steve's bed. When I say 'we', I mean 'I'. And so I found myself pissing onto a mattress in Austria.
In hindsight, it wasn't really worth it. My God, I can't believe I pissed onto somebody's bed.
a) Steve
b) The utterly horrible food
So, to punish Steve and the hostel, all we had to do was piss in Steve's bed. When I say 'we', I mean 'I'. And so I found myself pissing onto a mattress in Austria.
In hindsight, it wasn't really worth it. My God, I can't believe I pissed onto somebody's bed.
This song was given a new and hilarious twist when a friend accompanied the final line with a pirouette for no apparent reason. The spectacular move was brought to a dramatic close when he accidentally slapped a passing old lady in the tits.
"Ma ma ma ma ma la bamba
Spaghetti, meatballs,
And a great big banana..."
Spaghetti, of course, refers to pubic hair; meatballs to testicles and 'great big banana' to an implausibly long and curvy penis. Generally accompanied by a bizarre dance, in which said genital features were outlined with the hands.
Spaghetti, meatballs,
And a great big banana..."
Spaghetti, of course, refers to pubic hair; meatballs to testicles and 'great big banana' to an implausibly long and curvy penis. Generally accompanied by a bizarre dance, in which said genital features were outlined with the hands.
While the line "he's got the whole world in his pants" is sufficient to raise a small giggle, "he's got the tiny little baby in his pants" is capable of getting you sent out of class for spraying snot over the people sitting in front.