| Report for Neil Robinson | |
|---|---|
| Approved stories | 4 |
| Rejected stories | 7 |
| Deleted stories (hidden) | 2 |
| Summary | Could Try Harder |
A full packet of Polo mints had to be eaten outright, against the clock (ending with a mouth inspection for illegal residue). Crunching was the only stipulation with no full-mint gulping allowed, and the packet was usually split open length-ways to allow for quicker access beforehand. Manic chomping on a gobfull of brittle mint shards invariably resulted in lacerated gums, loss of fillings etc, but a small price to pay for a shot at the coveted title, last known to be held by David Crake at an impressive 21.3 seconds.
Kirk Pierce, a lad who was about 3 years below me, of an extremely pleasant disposition and generally a nice kid to have around. Through some unfortunate birth defect (I think) Kirk had only an index finger and a little finger on each hand. He later had the index fingers removed and grafted onto where his thumbs should be, giving him the ability to grab things in a more effective pincer-type fashion. His preferred greeting (presumably to cause maximum discomfort and embarassment to the recipient) was a handshake, but occasionally he would opt for a powerful 'nip' of the upper arm, hence the name 'Crab-man'.
I forget his surname, but basically Robert was afflicted with quite possibly the most chronic case of eczema ever, and looked, well, pretty much like a very scaly reptile. Flakes were deposited wherever he went, particularly messy in high winds. Needless to say he was not overly popular with the ladies but he was one of the nicest guys in our year. In a chance meeting with Robert some years after we left school I found him almost completely cured of his skin problem and parading a cracking bird.
Legend has it that a pupil at our school long before I was there had once left a nice steaming 'chocolate log' on the bonnet of a teacher's car after receiving a detention. During my stint there were many overheard threats of 'giving that bastard a bonnet log' after a bollocking. To my knowledge though no threat was ever upheld. Pity.
(I wish Log had had this in his backlog rather than me. Now I have a mental picture of him in a nice easter hat with chicks all over it and daisies woven in his beard. Thanks. Susan.)
(I wish Log had had this in his backlog rather than me. Now I have a mental picture of him in a nice easter hat with chicks all over it and daisies woven in his beard. Thanks. Susan.)
Slang word for a person of non-specific mental and/or physical disability, or an insult. Unsubstantiated claims about a local spacker called Alan Deacon (who alledgedly screamed things about turtles during the night) gave us this short-lived insult, and for a while the commonly used tongue-in-lower-lip spaz impression was known as 'doing a Deacon'.
A manoeuvre in the school photography darkroom, where a guy would attempt to get a girl to grope his exposed cock without her ever finding out who he was. Pioneered by Adam Hartley circa 1989, on Lisa Wade. Hartley had earlier in his career perfected the illicit 'classroom wank' in double Biology, and the art of 'farting very loudly in assembly and getting away with it', by simply erupting into laughter and taking the rest of the hall with him into fits of giggles, including the teachers. Genius.
On school camp in the third year (Conwy, Wales 1988) it was discovered that Gary Ferguson was the only lad in the year who did not yet possess a healthy compliment of pubic hair. Later adjusted to accommodate Simon Barrow, who was also a bit sparse, to Barry-baldy.
Adam Smith. A big-lipped pain-in-the-arse type kid from our year took great pleasure in the first year calling everyone 'Sackless' (ie no scrotum sac). This eventually backfired to the point where everyone in school who knew him (including the teachers) referred to him as 'Sackless'. To this day (19 years later) he is still known locally by his unenviable school nick-name. Serves the annoying twat right.
An alcohol based 'dating' scenario where the guys all drew lots to find out which girl they would be paired off with. They then had to eat a Mars bar without using their hands, which was 'hidden' inside the girl.
In the late eighties the massive Beastie Boys inspired craze for VW car badges went a bit far, to the point where basically any car badge was fair game. Obviously the more valuable the car the better, and one of the nutters in our year, Lordy, landed perhaps the ultimate catch. One of our art teachers was the wife of a then local, and now occasionally national, TV presenter. Her top-of-the-range beige BMW was always parked outside the staff room window. To this day I cannot even begin to imagine how the fuck he managed it, but Lordy prized off her rear badge with a screwdriver and left a nice ugly wound in the paintwork to boot. The whole school was subjected to an impromptu bag search which proved fruitless. Nice one Lordy, respect.
A book in the library at our school featured an unfortunate pair of small African children, with similarly disfigured vitamin D deficient legs. The icing on the cake was the simple legend "Young children with rickets." Approximately 15 years later my friend Chris casually mentioned "Young children with rickets" to me in the pub, which caused me to lurch, retch and eventually laugh beer out of my nose.