| Report for Jack Hyden | |
|---|---|
| Approved stories | 3 |
| Rejected stories | 5 |
| Deleted stories (hidden) | 1 |
| Summary | Could Try Harder |
For some reason our school was extremely prone to such poo-related pranks. Three quick stories spring to mind:
- Firstly, I once wandered in to a cubicle (presumably to blow my nose since I never once had a poo in a school cubicle, not being clinically insane) to be confronted by a wonderful sight: Someone had created an elaborate nest of toilet roll, pinning it in place majestically with the bog seat. They had then planted a single turd smack bang in the middle. What they did with the rest of their shit, piss, etc, and whether or not they went into another cubicle to wipe their arse is unknown to me.
- Secondly, in year 8, our absurdly naive head of year Miss Baines informed us that someone had shat in a paper tea cup and balanced said cup on top of a toilet door, with the result that it landed on the caretaker's head, and "he had to go home to clean himself up". Since we were 12 or 13 at the time, the reaction was not the shocked horror that Miss Baines expected, needless to say. I still can't stop laughing at the thought of an evil genius squatting over a paper tea cup and then somehow getting out of the bogs having balanced the cup on the top of the inside of the only exit. Especially considering the toilet in question was internal and had no windows.
- Finally, my brother once saw a turd outside in the playground, in a crisp packet. I do not know what brand of crisp it was, but my brother assured my that it was “definitely human shit".
Our GCSE Science teacher brought a set of pig's lungs to class, around which we all gathered to watch as she demonstrated their function and dissected them for us. As part of the demonstration, she stuck a tube into the windpipe, and asked Chris Belton to blow into the tube so we could see the lungs inflate. Chris obliged - only for someone to bring their fist down on top of the inflated lungs, shooting air and mucus from the lungs back up the tube and into Belton's mouth.
This is done during Science practical usually to achieve one of two things. Either it's a plastic pen, and you want to do some impromptu glass blowing type behaviour or get a miniscule high from the fumes, or it's a metal pen (not yours) and you're heating it up to burn its owner when he returns to his desk and unsuspectingly picks his now superheated pen up.
David 'Patsy' Patterson, had rather frizzy hair, leading to hypotheses that it may have been a wig. This in turn led myself and a friend to place up around the school several badly produced wanted posters featuring Patsy's face and a crudely drawn afro and mexican bandit mask, and the words "Wanted - El Wiggo - for crimes against hair". He was rather upset.
A surname that can be adapted to a form of psychological torture through incessant questioning. Examples: "Have you got a belt on, Belton?", "Why haven't you got a belt on, Belton?". Used over a period of years this will cause severe trauma for the child in question.
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Invented during year 8 maths but easily adaptable to any lesson which is basically chaos. Simply keep walking around the classroom along a predetermined vaguely circular route (ours went behind the teacher's chair, such was the confusion in effect). Count the number of laps you can do before being made to sit down. Veterans of the game learnt when to pretend to be checking someone else's answer, borrowing a ruler or sharpening a pencil. And when to flagrantly disregard the teachers request for them to be seated.
Our scalpels as sharp as the average plastic ruler, so that the overall effect of attempted dissection would be a thick paste and a teacher's disbelief that none of us could "find the lens".