| Report for Ed Thomas | |
|---|---|
| Approved stories | 1 |
| Pending stories | 1 |
| Rejected stories (hidden) | 3 |
| Deleted stories (hidden) | 1 |
| Summary | Could Try Harder |
One afternoon everybody at my (boys) school was summoned to a special assembly by the headmaster. He was furious, literally shaking with rage.
"Now, you may have heard rumours of an... incident... between two members of the college last night," he began.
Cue a collective "Oooooooh..." from the pupils.
"This sort of behaviour is utterly unacceptable in civilised society, and rest assured, the offender has been severely punished."
400 kids lean forwards trembling with prurient interest.
"Let me set the scene. X, a member of my prefect team, enticed young Y (a year nine) into his room with the promise of sweets."
Breaths are bated. Surely not? Surely?
"Once getting him in the room, X locked the door so Y could not escape. He reached into his trousers, and pulled out..."
400 kids all desperately think "Please say cock please say cock"
"A BB gun!"
Cue chorus of disappointed moans.
This assembly led to the only example I can think of of a year nine being repeatedly beaten up because he HADN'T been raped. Tsk, public schools, eh?
"Now, you may have heard rumours of an... incident... between two members of the college last night," he began.
Cue a collective "Oooooooh..." from the pupils.
"This sort of behaviour is utterly unacceptable in civilised society, and rest assured, the offender has been severely punished."
400 kids lean forwards trembling with prurient interest.
"Let me set the scene. X, a member of my prefect team, enticed young Y (a year nine) into his room with the promise of sweets."
Breaths are bated. Surely not? Surely?
"Once getting him in the room, X locked the door so Y could not escape. He reached into his trousers, and pulled out..."
400 kids all desperately think "Please say cock please say cock"
"A BB gun!"
Cue chorus of disappointed moans.
This assembly led to the only example I can think of of a year nine being repeatedly beaten up because he HADN'T been raped. Tsk, public schools, eh?
When I was in year 10 our end of term assembly offered a special treat - the Magic Man!
Towards the end of the show he asked for a volunteer to help him and he chose little Jack Emery.
Jack Emery, who was infamous for fainting at the sight of blood. Jack Emery, who he had to be carried out of the school chapel after watching a sketch where somebody popped a sachet of tomato ketchup in their pocket as they pretended to get shot.
Well, the magician had a hat, and wanted Jack to look inside it, for his friend James The Goblin - at this point everyone in the hall perked up in expectation over what was about to happen.
Jack leant over - and even the teachers were beginning to brace themselves for a dash to get towels and a mop.
There's an expectant hush. Jack Emery looks in the hat, James the Goblin (a handpuppet of course) jumps out, and the magician promptly gets covered head to toe in a deluge of partially digested liver and onions.
Jack was so scared he also screamed and shat himself, although this may have been made up by his brother after the event.
Towards the end of the show he asked for a volunteer to help him and he chose little Jack Emery.
Jack Emery, who was infamous for fainting at the sight of blood. Jack Emery, who he had to be carried out of the school chapel after watching a sketch where somebody popped a sachet of tomato ketchup in their pocket as they pretended to get shot.
Well, the magician had a hat, and wanted Jack to look inside it, for his friend James The Goblin - at this point everyone in the hall perked up in expectation over what was about to happen.
Jack leant over - and even the teachers were beginning to brace themselves for a dash to get towels and a mop.
There's an expectant hush. Jack Emery looks in the hat, James the Goblin (a handpuppet of course) jumps out, and the magician promptly gets covered head to toe in a deluge of partially digested liver and onions.
Jack was so scared he also screamed and shat himself, although this may have been made up by his brother after the event.