| Report for Leopold Bloom | |
|---|---|
| Approved stories | 5 |
| Rejected stories | 14 |
| Deleted stories (hidden) | 5 |
| Summary | Mean Boy |
I have been fortunate enough to have had two Latin teachers at secondary school. Both were quite, quite mad, and via extrapolation I have concluded that being clinically insane is a prerequisite for teaching schoolboys the classics.
For my first year I had a fairly old but otherwise physically normal man possessing a fixation on dogs, the British TV show Animal Hospital and classical comedies. He looked startlingly like a non-murderous version of Doctor Shipman.
The other teacher is a wild cross between William Hague, Kelsey Grammer and Steve Ballmer with startling taste in clothes and shirts which compulsively expose his navel. Is easily sucked into prurient discussions, sometimes initiating them himself through use of personal cliches, the most common of which is "As the actress said to the bishop.", frequently appended to any vaguely unusual statement. We keep count of the number of times he says this per lesson. He was once witnessed reading a copy of the Daily Sport and, when wound up, says the word "arse" repeatedly without hesitation.
For my first year I had a fairly old but otherwise physically normal man possessing a fixation on dogs, the British TV show Animal Hospital and classical comedies. He looked startlingly like a non-murderous version of Doctor Shipman.
The other teacher is a wild cross between William Hague, Kelsey Grammer and Steve Ballmer with startling taste in clothes and shirts which compulsively expose his navel. Is easily sucked into prurient discussions, sometimes initiating them himself through use of personal cliches, the most common of which is "As the actress said to the bishop.", frequently appended to any vaguely unusual statement. We keep count of the number of times he says this per lesson. He was once witnessed reading a copy of the Daily Sport and, when wound up, says the word "arse" repeatedly without hesitation.
Not a good idea in the presence of others, as they will all invariably start chanting "She fell over!" and push you over again, in a nearby patch of mud where possible. Falling over is an even worse thing to do in the lunch hall, where falling over can result in your lunch being tipped all over the floor and three hundred children laughing at you simultaneously. The headmaster will invariably choose this moment to walk in and randomly give a table of laughing boys detention as you run off crying. (You may recognise the voice of experience in this.)
An actual excuse, as written on a late slip, for arriving half an hour late to school. I was on that bus, so I should know - it was we who had pushed him over the edge by ringing the bell every two and a quarter seconds and singing songs about vaginas.
Something which was once left in the keyhole of our form room in year 8. The actual shape of the key was reminiscent of castle battlements. We used it to lock a class of year 7 pupils in their form room.
no I haven't. doesn't meant they don't exist though, unlike Darren Fowler's shooting incident.
A brand of grey classroom computers which could be used to play text adventure and logic cames in 16 colours back in infant school. By the time I graduated to junior school, the latest incarnation could run Windows 95 and Creatures.
Supposedly inoffensive and teacher-safe variant of the word "bollocks". Alec still got a detention for using it.
Supposedly one of the few things at school which could earn you an instant expulsion, the others being smoking weed, stealing geography textbooks, and sex. Also one of the few activities no one has yet attempted. Not intentionally, anyway.
Turning one of these on, when it's facing the classroom door, and when Mr Mackay is entering the room, will garner you a detention.
An effective way of producing catchy insults, provided one has knowledge of both classic rock, Top 40 and Weird Al Yankovic lyrics to draw upon.
We figured out in our first year of secondary school that by pounding out the bottoms and tops of each locker in a single locker column we could make one 'super locker', approximately five feet high and nine inches wide, just big enough to fit someone in and lock them in for a bit. One fateful day a classmate climbed inside the super locker and we closed the bottom locker doors, leaving his arms pinned helplessly to his sides and just his face jutting out of the top locker. Panicking, he rocked the locker back and forth against the wall behind it and it inexorably started to tip over in slow motion. The foolhardy boy trapped inside started screaming and it looked for a dreadful second as if his nose was going to be mashed into his brain against the ground. Fortunately, a midget kid with blond hair skidded under the locker and held it off the floor before it could smash the captive's head onto the carpet-covered concrete floor.
Due to this bit of quick thinking, the boy is still with us today, despite having set various parts of his body on fire several times since.
Due to this bit of quick thinking, the boy is still with us today, despite having set various parts of his body on fire several times since.
Graffiti. Presumably the teacher arrived before the pupil could add the final "r".
The two prime targets for graffiti. More permanent in the case of the former since the graffiti has to be scratched into the thick wood of the lab bench. These can be made more visible by going over the scratched message with black pen. More generic but equally satisfying damage can be caused by burning scorch marks with the ends of Bunsen burners.
The one property every semi-competent teacher has is the ability to walk into the room at the very moment that somone is about to do something detention-worthy, such as punching someone against a window or kicking a football at a fluorescent ceiling light milliseconds before it shatters. See also 'give me my fucking glasses back'.
Something bestowed upon unlucky pupils who forgot to bring a required book to a language lesson. The accumulation of three B warning marks (or any kind of warning mark, for that matter) got you a language faculty detention. This rarely happened due to the embarassment experienced by everyone yelling "Beeeeeeeeee warning maaaaaaaaarrrk!" at you every time you forgot to bring in your French exercise book.
Used in response to those asking "What are you doing?" when you're playing around on a school computer. Sometimes said in spite of the fact that an animation of a spinning penis is on the screen.
Sometimes visible poking erect half a centimetre or so out of an oblivious teacher's shirt or blouse. Whether you appreciate this happening or not depends upon your sexual preferences. Left nipples are invariably and inexplicably less visible.
Offered as an answer to the question "If you got mugged on Orpington high street, what should you shout to get help?"
For some reason, Mr Craig still refuses to talk about it.
nope. far too recent to be viewed through rose-tinted specs.
A good way to pass 30 seconds on a school library computer. Also a good way to get banned from the school library until half-term.