Report for Jimbob N
Approved stories6
Rejected stories (hidden) 2
Deleted stories (hidden) 1
SummaryExemplary Child

I went to a youth group at the age of seven. One of the leaders, in a vindictive mood, confided to all of us that the other leader had a glass eye - and if we snuck up behind her and hit her in the back of the head, it would fall out.

He also told us not to tell her we knew about the glass eye, because she was extremely sensitive about it. The fact that she would be uspet by us mentioning her glass eye, but not by hordes of children punching her in the back of the head seemed perfectly reasonable to us.

She didn't have a glass eye, of course. So it never fell out. We tried for ages to get that damn eye out.

The pulling of a tie so that the knot is so small that it can only be undone with microscopic needles. A defence is to tie a two pence coin into the knot - although you may be called a jew or a gyppo if it is discovered that you keep two pees in secret hiding places.

Urban Myth. Young man, overcome with stress, puts a pencil up either nostril during an exam and brings his head down on the desk. The pencils go into his brain, killing him instantly.

The rumour that everyone in the room gets compensated for their mental trauma by getting a free A* means that most people have the vague, unspoken idea that witnessing a suicide would be fucking brilliant.

Sachets of tomato ketchup from the canteen made excellent 'collectibles' for a while. At five pence each, it was an inexpensive hobby, and admirably pure - we did not tolerate brown sauce or vinegar sachets. They simply don't count, I mean, don't even go there. At its peak, the hobby resulted in people giving up on meals so they could buy more sachets of tomato ketchup.

People with particularly large hoards (say, a locker full) would be accorded chin-stroking respect, except from those who didn't collect five pence ketchup sachets, who would stare at us with well-fed, condescending eyes. But who cares what they thought, those non-tomato-ketchup-collecting losers.

My girlfriend, who is both a woman and a medical student, has informed me that it is a documented medical fact that an ovary can, in theory, be as sensitive as a testicle when squeezed.
However she has also informed me that the only way in which an ovary can be directly squeezed in such a way is during a thorough rectal exam. In other words it's necessary that the squeezer has one or a number of fingers very far up the arse of the woman.
However, I am sure enough that my girlfriend's spirit of scientific enquiry would stop well before allowing me to test this theory that I'm not going to risk asking.

We were told by our Latin teacher that a popular punishment in Roman times was to insert a fish into the rectum head first and pull it out. When pulled out the scales of the fish, which lay one way, would open out and cut the persons arsehole to flapping ribbons - to the extent that they bled to death. Nice. He also told us that a similair thing was done with radishes. When we questioned the realistic punishment value of inserting such an evidently small and friendly vegetable he explained that "radishes were different then, all big and spiny like a pineapple." This caused us to consider whether anything he actually said was true.