Yes, the insidious AOL slang has found its way into the common school lexicon. If anyone's being stupid, they can expect at least one shout of 'n00000000000000000000000b'. And then a spam across the forehead.

i seem to remember when this was a popular clothes make there were numerous acrostic versions ending with something like Condoms Only 54p.
can anyone remember the rest?

I have been reliably informed that the word i used to use at primary school to say something was rubbish is in fact derived from gay slang and means Not Available For Fucking. So if you're not single then you are n.a.f.f. - apparently.

The range of cheap saturday market coats as worn by poor children. Inspired the song 'Nanny Annie Fishy Fanny Condom Fifty-Four'.

Naim Ditta was really fun to laugh at. He once (apparently) jumped out of a first floor window in new block to escape Mrs Hay, completing his escape by jumping onto a wheelie bin and using it to vault the newly installed security fences. I missed it.

The point of the previous entry was that for some reason we became convinced that Naim Ditta's name was actually Naim Sackapotatoes. Also, he once got thrown off the bus with us and it made the Evening Post with the title 'four thrown off bus in Sherwood danger zone' cause he was going to town and didn't know the way and was a pussy.

Headline made up by the tormentors of Joseph who had lashed him to a tree, debagged him and burned his pubes. The fun of the torture it seems was as nothing to the fun of making up the headlines giving notoriety to their antics. Others include:

"questions over body in park"

"They ignored my pleas" - victim tells of ordeal"

And finally

"doctors warn - "hairs may not grow back"

Actually, you may ask why they needed torture Joseph at all. But in fairness - you never met him!

You beauty. You absolute beauty.

I was on a retreat with my friends and we all slept in th same room, me and the lads. Then in the middle of the night, we started talking about fit girls and stuff but then we all needed the toilet so we went and did our business...except for James Gill! We all came back into the bedroom and there James was...dancing naked with his little cock hanging out and he did this for several minutes. About 10 mins later, he did this again.Me, in disgust shouted fannybasher, alerting the teacher, who came in and saw him dancing away. Until James realised, we stayed silent, but when he knew what the teacher saw, we BURST OUT LAUGHING!!!!! A CLASSIC MOMENT

Surely this is bollocks?

where were the 'erect' boys 'removed' to do you think? Akela's tent?

Phil, what do you reckon?

Anybody else who was in the cubs in the Britwell area of Slough in the early eighties may well be familiar with this game.

Each summer the whole cub pack went on holiday with Akela and the adult instructors, and stayed at a church hall in Dorset.

Every evening all the cubs were instructed to prepare for a special game of football. This preparation involved taking all our clothes off and playing football stark bollock naked.

Then queuing up, still naked, and filing past the adults on the way to the showers. Any boy displaying an erection was removed from the queue.

As this was such a special secret cub scout game we were not allowed to tell any other grown ups about it.

Hey - wait a minute!

We were told a bizzare story from the Bible about Jesus arriving at a city and the children being so happy that the took off all their clothes and threw them at him (so maybe Michael Jackson's messianic posturing fits more snugly with his private life than you might think). People taking their clothes off is more than any group of six-year-olds should be expected to deal with, but Mrs Dodman chose to illustrate this dirty, dirty story with fuzzy-felt style figures with removeable clothes stuck up on a big notice board. Her sensitive treatment of an important moment in the life of our Lord was wrecked by a hall full of children laughing and pointing. The thing is, I can't remember any other Bible stories being dealt with in this way, so it must have been a one-off. Where do you get these things from? Is there an under the counter service at the SPCK bookshop?

Disseminating the lie that Miss Dottie had a watch with a naked man on it it. Cue everyone asking her for the time and disbelieving her until she showed them the watch. Spread to other years as well.

Preston's uncle, a keen ichthologist, used to grab Preston, and pin him to the ground, screaming, "NAME 50 FISH! NAME 50 FISH!"
Presumably, Preston was not released until he had named 50 fish. Preston's story should be taken with a grain of salt, however, because he was in special education, and would not have been taught about naming fish.

When two fellow classmates are premused romantically involved, we would take both of their names and combine them into one name. If their names were "Mallori" and "Daniel", we would call them "Mallodan". It's not very clever, but it tends to annoy, and that's what counts

During the first year of my secondary school we developed a habit of insulting each other by calling them another person's name. So for instance, you would refer to your mate Andrew as Bob, Chris, Dave etc. causing him offence. The habit fell out of use over the summer holidays and was forgotten.

...until one fateful day three years later, when we were asked to help carry some benches from one classroom to another. As we turned one of these benches upside down, we discovered an inscription written in big bold letters:

MARK IS GEORGE

Part of the senior school was made out of bounds at lunch times.. So use the old, just going to the toilet trick, wait a few seconds, have a look out the door, no 'Nanny' about, run to the doors and open as many as possible, letting your mates in, then running through the coridoors, and then maybe out of a classroom window..

Nickname given to an ugly fat and greedy bird in our class, she used to nap anything in her path.

Nappy Rash Collins was the poor recluse of the whole school. He had the habit of shitting himself all the time and constantly stunk up the class room untill kids shouted Peters pood again then is support teacher would go and change him.

Many a time he would run around the play ground crying with is pants down and nappy showing while kids laughed at him calling him all the names under the sun... Oh what good times.

Robert Wilson used to purge himself of the frustration of being small, thick, ugly, etc. by beating his head against inanimate objects. Lockers were a speciality. People would gather to see him being bullied, in anticipation of the magic moment when he went mental and would smash his head against something. After one particularly violent episode, in which he actually rendered himself unconcious on a a table after a teacher asked him a difficult question he couldn't understand, let alone answer, he developed narcolepsy, which makes you fall asleep at random moments. Poor bastard.

After appearing from the cupboard at the back of the classroom at the end of a history lesson, the class card was asked "where are earth have you been boy?" "Narnia sir", was the swift and matter of fact response.

Late friday nights as everyone is fully aware, was when channel 5 broadcast their fantastic filth and many of my more unfortunate friends did not have signal in their rooms... and so it was that I was deemed 'The Reviewer' and was made to stand around painting the images i had seen on friday night into the minds of my pubescent colleagues. However, I did enjoy the occasional jape and once slipped in that a girl had taken a mans penis into her nostrils.

So what did one of my thick-minded friends ask his first girlfriend to attempt with him well over 2 years later?????

Lasted a week!

At a time when 2unlimited shit classic "No Limits" was riding high in the charts, this became a brief insult for the bigger nosed members of the school. In particular, Nathan.
Nose Nose, Nose-Nose
Nose Nose, Nose-Nose
Nose Nose, Your Nose
KNOWS NO LIMITS
(suggested optional extra :
it knows no limits - it reaches the sky,
it flies round the room - and pokes out my eye - Log)

Not that we were racist, or anything, but we had the idea of the Nation of Domination, wherein black people would be put into tubes and forced to drown on their own excrement. Very slowly. We never told that to anyone, and no-one knew what the Nation of Domination was, except a select few. Then came the day that our black friend wanted to join.

For about two weeks, (I regret to say) we were particularily mean to one boy in our group, he was called Andy if you hadn't guessed. Every day, at lunch time, he'd run off because we were actually hunting for him - chanting "NAH NAH NAH" in the theme of Men Behaving Badly. When we found him, we wedgied him using a door handle. Cruel I know, but it was funny to see.

Oh and once, he brought a spare pair of pants/underwear....we wedgied them aswell.

If a music teacher is using the National Anthem to illustrate some point or another, it is your duty to the Queen to stand up every time it's played. It's doubly important to do this if the treasonous order is given not to.
If the national anthems of other countries are played, be a part of the global village by standing for those, too. If you are told not to stand to these, say "ar, sir, don't be racist".

Crap looking half red, half blue, credit card style bits of plastic that you received around the time of your sixteenth birthday.

At first these gained much kudos as a mark that you had reached maturity.

That was until 'Pikey Steve' got his, and it was decided that it had been sent by the government as a hint that at least SOMEONE in his family should go and get a fucking job.