Here are some more Catch 22s - from now on, all new ones will be put in this entry.
SPACKERS SAY NO
Q : Did you watch Spackers Say No last night?
A : No...
Q : Spackers Say No!
Saying yes is a blatantly false claim to have watched a programme that obviously wasn't on last night. Who are you trying to kid, spacker?
catch 22, miscellaneous
written by Ne*l Ow*ns, approved by Log
AIDS Q : Have you got AIDS? A : No. Q : Are you positive....?
written by Ne*l Ow*ns, approved by Log
"If a gay jumped on your back................ would you let him stay or pull him off?"
written by C*az* D*ve, approved by Log
Are you PT? No : You aren't potty trained. Yes : You're a pregnant teacher. Quite a young one, this.
written by Er*k Di*t*ic*, approved by Log
If you saw your dad and a prostitute drowning in a lake and you could only save one, which would you save? Rescue The Prostitute : "What, and leave your dad to drown?" Rescue Your Dad : "What, and leave your mum to drown?"
written by Ro*, approved by Log
"Do you have HBO?" (American "premium" cable tv)
No: "You must be poor"
Yes: "Eww, you have Horrible Body Odor"
No: "You must be poor"
Yes: "Eww, you have Horrible Body Odor"
written by Ki*k I*rae*, approved by Log
"If you were on a bus full of fags, would you get off?"
Memorable response:
"Yeah, I'd get off--the BUS!"
"Sounds like hard work."
"Huh?"
Memorable response:
"Yeah, I'd get off--the BUS!"
"Sounds like hard work."
"Huh?"
written by excluded pupil, approved by Log
see also:
"Guess what?"
"What?"
"Urgh! GAYS say WHAT!"
Yes, the original comment was actually "gays say what", said very quickly. However the irony of the first person also saying "what" in the original enquiry rendered this a doubly reversed catch-22, and therefore hideously flawed. Or something.
"Guess what?"
"What?"
"Urgh! GAYS say WHAT!"
Yes, the original comment was actually "gays say what", said very quickly. However the irony of the first person also saying "what" in the original enquiry rendered this a doubly reversed catch-22, and therefore hideously flawed. Or something.
written by p*t*r ta*te, approved by Susan
Are you a homo?
Surely the king (or queen?) of all playground catch 22s.
Reply yes : Err, you're a homosexual.
Reply no : You're not a homo sapien?
Not that insulting, unless you're stupid enough to choose the first option.
Surely the king (or queen?) of all playground catch 22s.
Reply yes : Err, you're a homosexual.
Reply no : You're not a homo sapien?
Not that insulting, unless you're stupid enough to choose the first option.
written by D*v*d Li*tle, approved by Log
Q:Are you ace?
A:Yes
Q:Haha, ace is card, card is paper, paper is thick and so are you.
Thankfully, this was usually a brief phase. Could be countered with "Ace? Ahm fuckin' brilliant, me", or at least I wish I'd have thought of this one when I was 6.
A:Yes
Q:Haha, ace is card, card is paper, paper is thick and so are you.
Thankfully, this was usually a brief phase. Could be countered with "Ace? Ahm fuckin' brilliant, me", or at least I wish I'd have thought of this one when I was 6.
written by Y*k Sp*t, approved by Log
Q: Do your parents know you're gay?
A: Oh? Ermm...Uh...
Q: Just answer the question!
If they don't answer, that means that they're not sure whether their parents know they're gay, and should be punched in the arm.
A: Oh? Ermm...Uh...
Q: Just answer the question!
If they don't answer, that means that they're not sure whether their parents know they're gay, and should be punched in the arm.
written by excluded pupil, approved by Log
When adolescence is reached, and "effort" is the scariest thing you can demonstrate, all Catch-22s can be reversed by replying to the original question with "Do you care?" If they say yes, they lose their cool detachment from the world (and can be called gay), and if they say no, then there is no need to answer their question as they don't care about the answer.
written by excluded pupil, approved by Susan
Are you dumb or wise?
Wise.
I'm Morecambe! (slap victim's cheeks a la Eric Morecambe)
Are you weak or strong?
Strong.
I thought that strong smell was coming from you.
Ironically, this joke is fucking weak.
What's the worst thing you can buy from a second-hand shop?
What?
Second-hand bog paper. Do you get it?
Yes...
You get second-hand bog paper!
(See also The Gayly Mail, and Wanker's Cramp)
Are you a gay or a farmer?
A farmer.
Here's two acres for you... (punch victim in the balls)
(Probably rural, this one, as it implies that all non-farmers are gay, and that there is no horrific stigma attached to saying "I'm a farmer", which is stretching the imagination a little far...)
Wise.
I'm Morecambe! (slap victim's cheeks a la Eric Morecambe)
Are you weak or strong?
Strong.
I thought that strong smell was coming from you.
Ironically, this joke is fucking weak.
What's the worst thing you can buy from a second-hand shop?
What?
Second-hand bog paper. Do you get it?
Yes...
You get second-hand bog paper!
(See also The Gayly Mail, and Wanker's Cramp)
Are you a gay or a farmer?
A farmer.
Here's two acres for you... (punch victim in the balls)
(Probably rural, this one, as it implies that all non-farmers are gay, and that there is no horrific stigma attached to saying "I'm a farmer", which is stretching the imagination a little far...)
written by Cr*i* H*ds*n, approved by Log
Another timeless classic:
Are you a lightbulb or a candle?
Lightbulb: So you get turned on by a knob?
Candle: So you get blown out by a puff?
Almost Swiftean in its ingenious subtlety.
Are you a lightbulb or a candle?
Lightbulb: So you get turned on by a knob?
Candle: So you get blown out by a puff?
Almost Swiftean in its ingenious subtlety.
written by excluded pupil, approved by Log
If Jack helped you off a horse, would you help jack off a horse?
written by M*tt Fe*l, approved by Phil
Would you feel like a dick if you walked into a gay bar?
Yes: Then you want some big gay cock.
No: Then you admit that you would feel right at home. And therefore want some big gay cock while you're there.
Yes: Then you want some big gay cock.
No: Then you admit that you would feel right at home. And therefore want some big gay cock while you're there.
written by an*nym*us u*e*, approved by Matt
A: "What's the most disgusting thing in the world?"
B: "Dunno."
A: "Second hand toilet paper! Do you get it?"
B: "Ha ha! Yes!"
A: "What, you get second hand toilet paper? Is your family so poor you have to use other people's used toilet paper?"
etc.
B: "Dunno."
A: "Second hand toilet paper! Do you get it?"
B: "Ha ha! Yes!"
A: "What, you get second hand toilet paper? Is your family so poor you have to use other people's used toilet paper?"
etc.
written by Ch*is *, approved by Mansh
(As if telling a joke)
A: There was this bloke, right, who had a wank in the bath.
B: Yeah?
A: Well, you know what spunk looks like in the bath?
B: (not thinking) Yeah
A (and everyone else): Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! You bath-wanking pervert! Say goodbye to your social status and your friends, loser.
A: There was this bloke, right, who had a wank in the bath.
B: Yeah?
A: Well, you know what spunk looks like in the bath?
B: (not thinking) Yeah
A (and everyone else): Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! You bath-wanking pervert! Say goodbye to your social status and your friends, loser.
written by J*e Bu*t, approved by Matt
A: Have you heard?
B: Heard what?
A: Have you heard?
B: What?
A: Have you heard the jokes that they don't tell gays?
B: [hopefully] No.
A: That's because they don't tell gays!
Obviously, 'gays' can be amended to 'dykes', or whatever best suits the circumstances. It spoils it a bit if they say "yes". And then say, "sorry, I can't tell you them".
B: Heard what?
A: Have you heard?
B: What?
A: Have you heard the jokes that they don't tell gays?
B: [hopefully] No.
A: That's because they don't tell gays!
Obviously, 'gays' can be amended to 'dykes', or whatever best suits the circumstances. It spoils it a bit if they say "yes". And then say, "sorry, I can't tell you them".
written by Dr*b G*een, approved by Matt
Ask someone what their favourite number is, out of 8, 10, or 11.
If they say "8", make a circle with the thumb and index finger of both hands, and hold them one above the other to represent the figure 8. Then rapidly bonk the two circles together to represent lesbian sex. Numerologists agree that fans of the number 8 are dirty gay bummers.
If they say "11", extend both your index fingers and hold them next to each other to look like the number 11. Then bang the fingertips together rapidly to represent man-on-man action. Another bummer exposed.
If they say "10", extend the index finger of one hand and form a circle with the thumb and index finger of the other. Hold these up together so that it looks something like the number 10. Then put your finger through the hole to represent heterosexual intercourse. But keep your bum against the wall - the number 10 is the bummers' smokescreen.
If they say "8", make a circle with the thumb and index finger of both hands, and hold them one above the other to represent the figure 8. Then rapidly bonk the two circles together to represent lesbian sex. Numerologists agree that fans of the number 8 are dirty gay bummers.
If they say "11", extend both your index fingers and hold them next to each other to look like the number 11. Then bang the fingertips together rapidly to represent man-on-man action. Another bummer exposed.
If they say "10", extend the index finger of one hand and form a circle with the thumb and index finger of the other. Hold these up together so that it looks something like the number 10. Then put your finger through the hole to represent heterosexual intercourse. But keep your bum against the wall - the number 10 is the bummers' smokescreen.
written by Os*ri* o* E*yp*, approved by Rosy