browsing the letter j

The proud logo at the top of the Jesus In Me noticeboard.

Funny because Jesus never ejaculated when he was alive, and definitely doesn't ejaculate now he's inside you. He pulls out at the last minute, and a little cloud of holy steam fires out with a toot toot.

A gang. Jab Warrior activity was primarily jabbing other pupils with a compass without them figuring out who did it, usually between classes when the corridors were packed. Movement up the ranks of The Jab was speedy if you could secretly: A. Draw blood B. Jab somebody who was hard/older and not be found out (largely theoretical - jabbing was generally confined to younger, weaker pupils) C. Jab a teacher (see B) Higher ranking in The Jab afforded you unimaginable privileges.

King Charles Spaniels that look like they are ready to explode with even the gentlest application of a woodwork vice.

The name that a girl could unlock if she was anywhere between "shapely" and "hot whopper", and showed an ill-advised glimmer of sexual interest in anything

The acrophiliac song. For those of you who don't know, an acrophiliac is someone who has sexual intercourse with the dead.



My name is jack,
I'm an acrophiliac
I fuck dead bodies
When they are cremated
I get frustrated
Cos there aint no lust,
In fucking dust

my name is gus
im an acrophilius
I fuck my mother
and suck my brother
When they die - I wont cry
Cos just like jack
Im an acrophiliac

The name given to trousers that are too short in the leg. Usually worn with white socks by scutters, making the jack ups even more obvious.

A Children's TV show in which grown ups would sit in a chair and read from a storybook, as cameras occasionally panned slowly across a drawing as a substitute for "action".
This show, dedicated to fantastical storytelling, became a synonym for bullshit. When a story (usually an account of sexual athleticism from the hairy boy) is obviously biglies, you can shout "Jackanory!", or more subtly checking your watch and saying "Oh, is it 4.15 already?"

#2 in the lies of Troy Hawkins series.
In Year 11, when Troy was 15, he became engaged to "Jackie D", who lived in another town, and was indistinguishable from Pamela Anderson. The next day he came in with a ring on his wedding finger, a ring which was made from platinum. Although too small for his finger, the ring was worth many hundreds of pounds. With admirable dignity, Troy kept his mouth shut for weeks on the matter, until one day he arrived at school without his platinum ring. Sadly, Jackie D's father had found out about the engagement, and beated Troy's fiancee to death.

Product placement version of soggy biscuit.

Legendary mime performed by me in maths that got me kept behind for one of those "now I know you're only doing this to hide how upset you are" chats from the Mrs. Pearcey. The mime essentially involved playing dead, but as it was the week after the tragedy, I was generally believed to be as topical and more satirically daring than "Have I Got News For You". By me. Everyone else thought I had gone too far, and those really annoying sanctimonious girls got me told off with great glee. Whores.

The Keystone Kops style chases that ensued whenever we decided to forcefeed the class diabetic jam doughnuts "for research". Another boy in our class wanted to put Tizer in his insulin. He was persuaded against it.

Chris Pankhurst's little catchphrase was Jammy Dodger. As in "you jammy dodger". Obviously, this is an awful catchphrase, and when an entire class rounded on him for saying such shit so often, he flew into a genuinely terrifying rage, and screamed "YOU JAMMY... SCORPION"

Clearly, he required the opposite of a dodger. Which is a scorpion. Clearly.

This game involves running around "shooting" each other with "guns". Of course, having no uniforms or other way of distinguishing between the two sides you had to ask "Jap or Brit?" before shooting. Luckily, real wars are more organised, with different sides wearing easily distinguishable colours, except for spies, who wear black.

Jason Moody - a hopeless case. Raised on butter sandwiches (most of which he'd hurl grumpily to the ground) and given to muttering to himself as he ricocheted through life. He eventually got himself removed from mainstream education with a show-stopping performance during an R.E. lesson in which he combined shouting out the (wrong) answers to the piss-easy test we were doing and exposing himself to the girls in the front row at key moments.

A friend of mine was habitually ridiculed by his French teacher of all people over his weight problem and alternative life style. The classroom humiliation took the form of him being asked to say he was tired in French to which he would have to reply "je suis fatty-gay". Such role reversal of cruelty was unsettling to our young minds.

The winner of any game of Jean-Luc Picard is the person who says "Jean-Luc Picard" last. A telephone game is quite easy, as you can just hang up after shouting it - in real life, you can't really run off because the other person will just shout "Jean Luc Picard", and it's difficult to keep shouting at each other as you walk away, and work out who heard who say "Jean Luc Picard" last.
The answer is to calmly intone "Jean-Luc Picard", then put your hands over your ears, and run away squealing. This is both dignified and mature.

A pre-awareness method of catching AIDS (before even the interim measure of being HIV+ was known about) was to fall asleep in your jeans - something that gay people were known for in the 80s. Of course I know it's rubbish, but I'm taking no chances.

The origins of this one begin, and probably end, with my cousin. "There once was a man by the name of Jed, Went for a wank in a garden shed, Spunk bubbles like a black man's toothpaste" Sung to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies.

Jelly cubes - the kind that your mum dissolves in boiling water to make a Sunday treat - can be moistened with spit to make cheap alternatives to those sticky octopuses that crawl down windows, leaving a pleasing smear.

i was eating the jelly us poor kids on free school dinners got after the fish fingers, chips and (cold)mushy peas, when i looked up at the Gypo kid( he really was, he had a caravan and everything)sitting across from me, and saw my jelly on his face. Not literally, See, this kid had such a spotty red face and it looked just like the school dinner jelly where it hadn't melted in the water peoperly leaving blobs of red, thus resulting in an exact replica of this scabs face. I never ate school jelly after that as it just didn't taste the same, all i could taste was puss and sh*t. What a bastard though, you know, like it was'nt bad enough i was poor and couldn't afford my own food, he had to deprive me of the free food aswell. So take note spotty kids, (and Gypos) poor kids are hungry!
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Satirical verse coming in two forms. Either;
Jesus Christ, Superstar
Went round the corner on a Yamaha (also Jaguar, motor car)
Did a skid,
Killed a kid,
Went back to heaven on a dustbin lid.
The idea that Jesus would come to Earth, cause death by reckless driving, then return to heaven - naturally enough - on a flying dustbin lid, was cheerfully sacreligous. Another version;
Jesus Christ, Superstar,
Wears frilly knickers and a Wonderbra
Was more directly and punishably blasphemous.

A religious alternative to crossing the streams.

To a male Christian:
A : "Do you love Jesus?"
B : "Yes"
C : "AAAAH AAAAAH UUURGH EEWW EEEEE YOU'RE GAY!!!!!!!"
Also consider "Do you have Jesus In You?"

The Bank of Jerusalem had it's South London branch in the playground of St Catherine's, Morden.
One day after it had rained, a few people, destined to become founders of this esteemed financial institution decided to rid themselves of their coppers/ loose change by throwing them into a particularly large, muddy puddle. It was then christened 'The Bank of Jerusalem' under the apprehension that it would never need to provide anyone with a withdrawal. This went on for a few days, the bank's profits were on the verge of £5, as various investors showed off their stauts by making deposits of ever increasing sizes. The puddle was diminishing in size as time went by, thereby becoming all the more muddy, as it's lower depths began to be revealed.
Sean Garrity obviously saw himself as an enterprising blagger and decided (one breaktime)to liberate the funds from the BoJ to the horror of it's customers and all gathered. The lucre may have been filthy, but it was his !

Anti-semitic yes, but we didn't mean it like that. If PE was cancelled, the assembled class of 60-ish boys would spend 2 hours in stuffed into a classroom, "supervised" without fail by an inept teacher. To liven things up, someone would roll a 1p piece to the front of the class. When the teacher noticed it and picked it up, the whole class would stand up and scream "JEW!" at her. I feel ashamed to have been a part of this, but you should have seen her face.

Combination of the bundle (a.k.a. pile on, all pile on, bundlefly project) and the jewfinder general technique of rolling a penny along the floor. The picker up of the penny is the jew - and everyone jumps on them. A harsher version is where the penny is thrown at the potential Jew, and they are covered in boys if it hits them.

At nine years old, word reached our rural primary school of the existence of amazing characters called 'Jews'. David Nichol explained: they looked just like you and me - the only difference being that if you threw a penny at them, they would pick it up.

Word got around about these Jews, in utter isolation from reality. Those two worlds colliding during a Nativity service, when James Dunlop read from the New Testament. He managed to finish 'he shall be King of the Jews' before collapsing into laughter, along with the angels and choir.

Pre-school insult. If someone calls you out after calling someone a jewy jewy guff guff for being anti-semitic, you should become extremely indignant and point out that jewy jewy isn't an insult at all, and you'd be perfectly happy to share your Capri-Sun with them, if they weren't such a guff guff. In fact, if you think jewy jewy guff guff is anti-semitic, that makes YOU the bigot.

Probably not an insult to be used after the age of five, in case people think of you as a little childish.

'Jimmy is Satan' was written in 8-foot-high letters on the wall of the sports hall wall one day. They resisted all attempts to remove them. On a clear day they glowed.

They were rumoured to be the work of school nutcase Archie, who had previously achieved fame by burning a huge 'shit happens' face on the cricket square with weedkiller.

'Jimmy' may have been a reference to the deputy head, an indestructible 80-year-old Welshman who climbed mountains and got stung by a scorpion with no ill-effects.

Prophetic warning or drug-addled nightmare? The police weren't sympathetic in the end. Archie is now in prison.

The last person's voice to completely break can be mocked for sounding like Jimmy Saville; forget that two weeks ago the classroom sounded like some demented Saville menagerie.

A game in which you and a friend take adjacent elevators to the top floor of a building, agreeing that when you get there you will jump out and shout "jingo bingo!" without even looking. It is a race, but there are never any hard feelings; somehow the shouting of "jingo bingo!" reduces the competitive edge. Plus, if it is a draw you both get to jump out of lifts shouting "jingo bingo" together, which is a rare pleasure. If you win the race but do not shout "jingo bingo!" then you lose - you should shout it loud enough for your opponent to hear you in their lift.

I'm submitting this because I keep trying to jinx people, and they either don't know what I'm talking about, or stubbornly refuse to stop talking until I say their full name.
So, this is the deal, right? If we say the same thing at the same time, I get to say jinx. And that means you can't talk until I say your name. If you do talk, I get to punch your arm. OK? So don't look all hurt and angry when I punch you. You broke a jinx, you deserve it.
Consider this posting a formal notice, served to the world.

Replacement for "cheers". See also "fuck you very much".

Jebus is the son of Jod. If you disobey Jebus' teachings you will go to Jell, although a place in Jeaven waits for the virtuous. The religion's primary text features characters such as Joses, and Jubus, from whom important lessons can be learned about the human condition. Eventually, after long weeks of meditation and spiritual contemplation, I became Jobo, the Hobo Son of Jod Almighty.

Early-mid 1980's figure of tragedy and fun. See here.

John Doyle - a stereotypical heavy-metal kid with long, greasy hair, unwashed, would have loved Red Dwarf right up to series seven, and who spent ten minutes in front of his wardrobe every morning, deciding which of his 25 identical Motorhead T-Shirts to wear.

1. Whilst dating a girl, he was invited to dinner at her parents. Becoming excited, John enquired of his lady companion - "Can you feel my lovebuzz?"
2. With the same girlfriend, he went to some forest on her birthday. They were sitting down talking when suddenly, he stands up, cock out, with a boner and shouts "HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He then proceeds to chase girlfriend round the forest with his boner, probably all sped up with 'Yakkety Sax' playing in the background.
3. He would only ever phone you whilst taking a shit or having a bath. Which would you prefer? The splash of turd 'gainst wawa? Or the idea that he might be tugging idly at his balls and thinking "HELLOOOOOOOOOOO!"?
4. My mate Ray went to John's house. His mother had a French friend over, called Pierre. John didn't know him. When Ray went to use the unlocked toilet, he discovered John's mum and Pierre have a bath together; giggling, soapy, nude and entirely unapologetic. John explained that it happened all the time. Not the bath thing... his mother having friends over.
5. On a non-uniform day, Doyle made a T-shirt which was spattered in faux-blood and had "PEOPLE HATE ME" written across the front. There is not one person in any school that could pull off that T-shirt without looking, and being told that they looked, a cunt.

Half of these stories are thanks to the fact that girls dating John usually felt so ashamed at the end of it that they had to tell everyone all the stories, as a kind of confessional.

Another attender at St Augustines Kilburn. Where do I start? A true legend. He was slightly deaf (so everyone used to call him John PARDON!), he claimed his cousin was the sax player in Spandau Ballet. He claimed to have two "little sisters" who were to blame for him forgetting his PE kit, and taking a long time to return things you'd lent him. This turned out to be a lie. We used to keep telling him his dog was dead and he sometimes used to believe it and go and ask to phone his Mum to check. Once wet himself whilst queuing up to throw a javelin. He used to know the name of every capital city of every country but would always get fooled by Mexico (Mexico city). We ended up making country names to baffle him. He would freak out if you tried to talk to him and he couldn't see your mouth (to do with deafness?) so the whole of the 5th year was spent with people going up to him with their blazers hiding their mouths and mumbling "Your dogs dead". He got revenge by turning up four years later at random times every saturday for about 3 months. He's spend about three hours talking crap and would always borrow something (or leave something behind) so he had an excuse to come back. He stopped coming after my sister told him I'd run away from home (despite my scooter being parked in front of the house). Last seen in one the top dance music shops in London where he asked them if they had "the living years" by Mike and the Mechanics. He was told to "fuck off to our price". Was learning to be a london cabbie when I last heard from him.

And indeed he did, constantly.

He also once asked me to look behind his cupboard as he had "something special" for me. It was a turd. His turd. He proudly stated that he had done it there earlier that day as a thoughtful surprise gift for me.

I took great joy telling my friend this after she drunkenly snogged him 12 years later. She refused to confirm if he tasted of snotters.

Sigh. I KNOW. - Mansh

The year - between 1987 and 1989. Still reeling from the revelations of Cerebral Palsy (see Joey Deacon), John's Not Mad gave us Tourette's Syndrome.
It followed the life of a boy who simply couldn't stop swearing, thanks to a disease. As it was educational, none of the swearing was censored. His mother dropped a plant pot and spilled some soil - John came out with "mum, you cunt". The supermarket scenes were also a gutter treat.
At this time, state-sanctioned crudity was rare, and we loved it.
John was locked into the cupboard by his teacher because he wouldn't stop swearing. This is even funnier - imagine an OFSTED inspection with a cupboard that is wobbling and swearing!
Inspector : What is in that cupboard?
Teacher : It is a wobbling swearing cupboard, like the wobbling swearing plant out of The Adventure Game.
Inspector : Very good. Take it out and burn it.
Teacher : But... but...
Inspector : But nothing - burn it now! Here are the matches, burn it now in front of me!
Teacher : OK. I suppose.
The day after John's Not Mad was the filthiest day of playground talk I can ever recall. It is still surprising that so many children actually watched a documentary... To hear scenes, click here.

Another name for a circumcised boy, the foreskin being 50% of the weight, volume, and joy of the male sexual organ, or winkle.

Our PE teacher described the rugby team from our local Catholic school as 'the johnnydodgers.' Although we knew damn well what a Johnny was, we lacked a subtle appreciation of the Vatican's view on contraception, and so were mystified, frankly.

If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit join our club!
But on joining this club, you didn't get a chocolate biscuit, or an after school activity. And it was 50p to join and you could only join when asked by another member. In fact, all you did was march around the playground with linked arms trying to get more people to give 50p to Dennis Chambers.

1. verb. To get entirely inside a massive coat and rolling down a hill.

2. From jostle. Surges of hundreds of schoolchildren through a narrow corridor. All wanting to get to class on time, but on the other hand, all wanting to kill each other. Ideal for gettin a good grope in.

The regularity of Torr & Torridge's calamities led to every journey being known as a roulette of death and calamity.

• The giant rear side window falling out after being slightly leant on.
• We ended up at a 45 degree angle in a ditch, for no better reason than the driver was just crap.
• We hit the support strut for a porch, which promptly fell down. Needless to say, the driver didn't stop. Or make any gesture of acknowledgement.
• The driver pulled out in front of one of those tractors with the huge spike on the front, which ripped down the entire side of the bus.
  Thanks, Torr and Torridge, for dozens of scenes of mild peril.

No definition offered.

Ripe abuse-fodder Julian was unfailingly clean and tidy, spoke respectfully to teachers, did his homework on time, passed his exams, and practiced playing the cello in his lunchbreaks. By the age of 14, he was also a Karate expert.
Julian became a cult hero to the rest of the geeks, as inevitable attempts by the school bullies to disrupt his cello practice were met with near-lethal force.
Legend has it that Bruce Lee was captain of the school chess team. Chuck Norris often voluntered to stay behind after lessons and clean the blackboard properly with a wet cloth. - Ponky

My imaginary girlfriend, possessed of psychic abilities and thus more interesting than everyone else's imaginary girlfriends, who were invariably nymphomaniac supermodels.

In an ironic twist, the bitch dumped me when she discovered I was thinking about other women.

A Trevor or Bronno who wears the clothes of others. Usually inferred from overt signs of poverty (tousled hair, Blue Riband biscuits), as it was hard to tell from the clothes themselves.

A game which takes place after a child has been sick in the sandpit. Cover the sick in sand, and jump over the sick, again and again, screaming and imagining what it'd be like if you landed in the sick. It'd be really gross and exciting like fannies.

A less playful variant involved rolling a child in the sick.

Two people would grab a smaller boy and pin him to the ground. One would sit on his chest whilst the other held his hands. Then there would be a terrible fire in the jungle which was just to the left of Philip and all the animals would have to escape across the only bridge, which was Phil's chest. First of all came the ants which were relatively painless. Then the mice and so on up to the elephants whose heavy feet caused a lot of sternum damage. Among the best escapees were the lions and tigers with their sharp claws and the kamikaze butterflies who would hover for a while before crashing with sickening force. Also very painful were the electric nipple-cripple ants who only came along in extended versions of Jungle Beats.

A: [puts 2 tips of index fingers together] "Cut the wire."
B: [separates the "wires" with his index finger]
A: "Your bum's on fire."

In response to the ruling of the cool kids that all boys had to support a football team, Gareth Gurd, a spoddy kid who knew nothing of cool or football, panicked. Thinking on his feet, he announced that he supported "Junkmey Rovers".
This ruse may have worked had he not attempted to converse with the cool kids about Junkmey's results. He finally came undone when he stated to Martin Bradshaw that they had recently thrashed Martin's team 15-nil.
And thus Junkmey Rovers, in spite of having no ground, players, kit or in fact existence of any kind, still had a fan who got his head kicked in on their behalf.

When said to a bearded teacher, will result in at least one detention. Come to think of it, you'd probably get a detention from a teacher without a beard, although they would probably look a little confused.

Advice given to my entire senior school on how to deal with bullies. In a folder. With instructions. Quote...
"If someone is bullying you or making you feel bad, just shout no! at them as loud, and as long as you can. Try practicing this in front of a mirror."
"If this doesn't work, go and tell a teacher, who will take you and the bully to the head, where you will both be questioned."
Worst - advice - ever. Especially considering that the bullies were given the same folder. The bullies must have dreamed of the day that a runt would scream "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" at them. Or better still, find the runt practicing in front of a mirror. Adults are shit.